THE BIBLE AND BLACK FRIDAY

EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK OF ST. NICHOLAS

Chapter 7

1. And the two wise men did sayeth to the newcomer: 'third man, how didst thy cometh to be upon this road, late this night, didst thou see and follow the star?' 'No, wise men', spaketh the newcomer, ' I cometh to be here not by any star that thou hast spoken of, but byeth the wayeth of a dream I have had during my nap this very afternoon.' The other two wise men did frown and were skeptical. "But third man, if thou was guided by a vision, how cometh ye to be amongst our progress, this is too much coincidence. Ist thou also a oracle?' 'No', said the stranger, 'but I haveth a sensitive nose, and thy camels hath partaken of too much fiber lately. I did not wish to travel alone and merely followed thy scent.' The first wise man nodded knowingly, 'then I can see thou art a wise man also, as you hath spaken the truth. Pray join us on our journey.'

2. The third wise man nonetheless lookethed troubled. 'Friends, in my dream, I have but seen of what is to come, and it is frightening. Doest thy know of a Friday? Well, as my dream has made me to know, that in times yet to come, it will be known as black.' 'But why?', saideth the first wise man, his camel having again passethed the wind, 'how can a Friday become black? Didst thou partake of too much tahini sauce before napping after lunch?' The third wise man ignored the pong and hangethed his head low. ' I knowest not', he saideth, 'the meaning is lost upon me.'

3. 'My dream', the third wise man did go on, 'was of natural origin, but it's message was unnatural indeed. The journey we three are on will become legend, but it's meaning will falleth into a vast misunderstanding, and our gesture will become an joke - something to do with an exploding cigar'. The other two wise men descended from their beasts and bade the first wise man to continue to relateth his vision of doom. 'Our images', we continued, 'will inspire great folly, as man and woman and child venture forth, in the dead of night, to vast palaces of trade, and will setteth up tents outside these palaces, and hanker to be allowed in, and will gladly giveth up their gold for worldly goods, constructeth in China, of materials yet unknown to us, and they will point to our night's journey, and sayeth that we are to blame.'

4. 'But wise man', saideth the second of the wisest, 'how are we to be blamed, and for what? Are we not guided by the star with a mission of honor and humility?' 'Yes', saideth the third wise man, 'but our humble progress will taketh on a proportion that we shall never be able to understand, let alone accepteth. Thou cannot imagine the scale of it. Tell me, good men, do thou seek the town of Bethlehem to pay visit to a newborn child, and does either of thou happen to be bearing a gift for the one we seek this evening? Well, I got something for him, nicely wrapped it is too, and if thou both hath also brought something , then I fear greatly that mine dream spaketh nothing but the truth.'

5. The other two wise men looked at each other and the first of them spake: 'Well, yes, as a matter of fact we do maketh our way to Bethlehem bearing gifts for the babe, tell me, third wise man, what hast thou got the child? I hope we have not got the same thing. We then would not look all that wise, would we?' 'Pray, tell me what thy has brought first', said the third wise man with a sly smile creeping across his face, 'as I do loveth surprises.'

6. The first wise man then did pull out of his cloak a wrapped parcel. 'Behold, I have purchased the child some socks, as I thought his feet might feeleth the sharp cold of this night.' The second wise man, startled, then drew from beneath his cloak an identical parcel, 'Whoa, for I hath too bought the child socks, as I am sure he hath come upon this world without them.' Then the third wise man did hang his head in dismay. 'Alas, I, too have brought socks for the blessed one we seek. Thus my dream hath become prophesy. We have all bought the same present.'

7. Then the first wise man did sayeth, 'But as we are wise men, we hath bought practical gifts that one must certainly need for the seasonal nature. Yet, we three have all decided identically. How shalt this look? 'Badly', saideth the sorrowful third wise man. 'We must emend this error, lest we look as if we had not given sufficient thought to the gesture.' Then, the second wise man's face took upon it a bright smile. 'Doest thy both recall the roadside market we passed not ten miles previously? And did it not have a sign upon it's closed doors that sayeth it shall become open for a doorbuster special at five of the clock in the morning?' 'Yes, I do recall', saideth the third wise man, 'And doest thy remember the attractive prices advertised?'

8. Thus the three wise men did turn their camels about and headed the ten miles backwards. It was only eleven of the clock in the evening and they had plenty of time to set up camp outside the market and waiteth for the the doors to open at five A.M. Then, having exchanged the socks for new presents, they then could proceed to follow the star back to their intended destination and present the newborn with three different gifts. As they turned their mounts around, the third wise man saideth, 'Alas, mine depressing dream hath now fullfilled it's ring of truth, but it is better that we offer up unique gifts, more attractive than socks, lest we look like asses riding on the backs of camels.'

Thanks to Rev. Jerry Lee Swigger for the scholarly research.