ELECTION NIGHT: A VIEWER'S GUIDE

Dear Readers,
After the Super Bowl, the American Idle final and Sponge Bob Square Pants, no other TV event is watched more closely than the coverage of the US Presidential Election. Countries as far away as Canada suspend their own TV schedules in order to keep abreast with the latest returns. In the Us of A, there are dozens of choices of election-night broadcasts to watch, and they are all creating special new gimmicks in an effort to gain the largest number of viewers. So as a service to you - dear readers - I offer up this preview of the most interesting plans of some of our networks, so that you won't miss the really good stuff and won't needlessly wear out your thumb on the TV remote.

CNN - The leader in cable news, they plan to push the envelope by enveloping the entire studio set in a thick layer of milk chocolate. This, they say, will offer a 'sweet treat' for viewers after what has been a sour campaign. Wolf Blitzer will dress as Willy Wonka and Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown will dress as Hansel & Gretel. Plans to hook Larry King up to medical diagnostic equipment (so they could monitor his reaction to returns) were scrapped.

MSNBC - Acting on a suggestion from wild-man anchor Keith Olbermann, producers plan to have Obama and McCain look-alikes encased in huge fish tanks. Then, every time a state is declared, ten gallons of water for each electoral vote won is added to the tank of the losing candidate. By the time the successful candidate has accumulated the 270 electoral votes needed to win, the stand-in for the unsuccessful candidate will have drowned. Chris Matthews will provide live reports from Sea World on underwater mammal reaction.

FOX NEWS CHANNEL - The 'fair and balanced' cable channel will only show vote totals from the Republican party on it's tally boards and probably will declare McCain the winner by 11 PM, no matter what the actual vote is. Bitter anchors Shepard Smith, Brit Hume and Chris Wallace will then hop in a cab, go across town to CNN's election night headquarters and trash the studio. Should be must-see TV.

THE FOOD NETWORK - The only network to have the actual candidates in-studio, they will present a special edition of Iron Chef America with Obama and McCain as contestants. Who ever wins will actually 'stick a fork' in the loser. The 'secret ingredient' is rumored to be either pork or toast.

THE DISNEY CHANNEL - Hosts Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers will appear together on a 'tweeny' bedroom set and will not speak but will text comments to each other as they watch Nickelodeon's election night coverage. Roy Disney directs. 4COL AITR !

DISCOVERY HEALTH CHANNEL - A panel of research scientists will spend the evening trying to discover why this election made everyone so sick. Doctors will monitor a cross-section of voters in the studio as the returns come in, hoping to save the lives of a few.