ART TODAY: A SHOW ABOUT NOTHING

Dear Readers,

Recently, the cutting-edge British artist, Damien Hirst, sold a bunch of his works for about five hundred million dollars! Amazing. This, from a guy who gained his fame by putting half a cow in formaldehyde and selling that disgusting thing for a small fortune. And he's so famous now that he doesn't need a dealer or an auction house to flog his stuff for him - he does it all himself, cutting out the middleman and saving on all those commissions.
Since the dawn of time, artists have had the reputation of being notoriously bad businessmen. Take Vincent Van Cough, for instance. There he was, living in a dumpy house in the South of France with no toilet, no running water, no glass in the windows and no cable TV. Plus, he was so broke, he had to share the rent with another financial genius, Paul Gogann. What's wrong with this picture? Here are two famous artists, internationally known, a house stuffed to the rafters with Van Coughs and Goganns and they still had to steal food and use their paints for condiments! Plus, poor Van Cough had to cut off his nose to pay a prostitute! "Here", he said, "take this, it'll be valuable some day", as he handed his proboscis to the girl in his one moment of financial clarity. She threw the nose away, he got sent to an asylum. Who do you think was crazy? It boggles the mind to imagine how much his nose would be worth today, pickled in formaldehyde.
It's not generally known, but many well-known artists throughout history have tried to use their own body parts as currency. By the end of his life, Leonardo DaVino didn't have a toe to his name, Rembrandt, in old age, was down to one lung, one kidney and no belly button and Picasso used to pull his own teeth out to try to pay the bills for his notorious piss-ups at the Lapin Agile. Totally unnecessary maimings, as these bits were also deemed worthless by philistine merchants. If these master artists had only realized what gold mines they had back at home on their easels, what a life they could have had!
No such problems for today's art stars. They know what they've got and have learned well from the sad stories of those who have gone before them. And the worst bit is that few of these artists even make their own works. Do you think Hirst sawed that cow in half himself? Do you think that guy who painted the picture of the Virgin Mary with elephant dung went to India with a pooper-scooper? Give me strength! At least the guy who made the notorious image, Piss Christ, used his own wee, although we only have his word on that. Even then, the picture of Jesus he submerged in a Plexiglas case of urine was bought from Woolworth's.
Still, you have to have at least a grudging admiration for these contemporary artists, after all, they've worked out that art is no longer a romantic pursuit, it's commerce. If in doubt, have a look at Mr. Hirst's estate in the British countryside which makes Buckingham Palace look like an Alabama double-wide. And if people with mega-bucks are willing to shell out fortunes for dead animals, wee-wee and actual poo, just because it comes from one of these brand name superstars of art, then go ahead. My mad money goes to my favorite local artist who I know for a fact does all his own work himself with proper materials bought at a store. Me.
Well, I hear an urgent whistle from the direction of Aix-en-Provence, so it must be near 4 o'clock and temps pour du the.