ELECTION 2008 - DID ANYBODY LOSE?

Dear Readers,

What a relief! Not only is campaign 2008 over (seems like it began in the winter of 1995!), but the nation did the right thing - for a change. Unlike the current occupant of the White House, we'll soon have a President who can not only think and speak with intelligence and agility, but someone we can all be proud of when he talks with foreigners abroad. Just imagine, no more will you see the German fuhrer, Angela Merkel, looking embarrassed after being asked by a US Presdient for the third time if the measles was her country's only contribution to the world - no longer will Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, have to explain yet again to our leader that Canada is a country, not a state - and no more painful sights of the King of the Britons, Gordon Brown, sadly looking down at his shoes after being told yet another poop joke by the leader of the free world. Let's face it, we not only have a well-spoken and thoughtful president-elect, but the guy is so darn cool.

In any election, there are winners and losers. John McCaine-Mutiny falls into the loser column, of course, but there is an upside for the clueless old pol, he now has some spare time to visit all of the homes he owns across the country, and get an accurate count. Sarah Brightman-Palin can go back home, and in-between slaughtering wild animals, can take a civics 101 course at her local community college, The Wasilla School of Hairdressing & Taxidermy, (I hope they grade on a class curve) as she prepares to take retiring President George Butch's place as the brains of the GOP.

Meanwhile, a clear winner, Joe The Plumber Biden can take up his useless duties as Vice-President, which I hear in the next administration will include sitting on top of the Washington Monument, flashing his ultra-bright teeth as a warning beacon to protect the landmark from suffering any collisions with low-flying planes. A very energy-saving solution, I'd say. At least up there, he can avoid having to listen to right-wing radio gasbag, Rush Limburger, who will earn yet another fortune as he rips into the new administration like a starving dingo. In fact, all of radio's paranoid, bent-brained, diversity loathing, bomb-the-immigrants, don't-talk-to-me-about-big-government-except-when-it-comes-to-bailing-out-my-rich-golfing-buddies-and-telling-people-what-they-can-and-can't-do-in-their-personal-lives-ultra-conserative yakkers, get a new life from the Democratic sweep. Lately, they were struggling to be more creative - playing in their audio sandboxes - about assigning blame to liberals for the massive guacamole the Republicans have made of this country. But it was getting harder to avoid the truth that credit for the wreckage goes almost exclusively to 'W' and Dickhead Cheney. Mission accomplished!

Perhaps the only real loser of campaign '08 is the former President, William Jackalope Clinton, who's ride back to the White House, Hillary Rodman Clinton, broke down unexpectedly, scuppering his dreams of restoration. I think Hillary will be OK, because after two Barrack O'Bama terms, she'll still be a vigorous, time-tested old battle-ax, ready to serve. Plus, she wont carry the blame for the unpleasant things the new administration will have to do to clean things up after eight years of a drunken Republican frat-party, which has left our national home with serious structural damage, mountains of empties and lakes of vomit everywhere. Poor Bill will be a barely-remembered old sybarite, jobless and maybe homeless (depending on how concupiscent he is in the intervening years), and living vicariously (in a political sense) off his wife's stature. Hillary will eventually make it back to the White House, but Bill may have to join a forgotten and elderly Joe Biden, still perched and grinning, at the top of the Washington Monument.

Well, I'm thirsty after all the celebrating I did last night, so I'll kettle up and sit down to a nice cup of tea. Somewhere, it must be 4 o'clock.