CHARLIE DON'T SURF

Dear Readers,

Today is the 60th birthday of British King-In-Waiting, Prince Charles. The Prince is in the unenviable position of needing a close relative - namely, his Mother - to die before getting a job. And at sixty, he's getting a bit old to be a first-time King.

At 82, Queen Elizabeth II is showing no signs of slowing down. Her busy public schedule of opening shopping centers and looking at other people at work is augmented by her leisure pursuits, like bingo and running over peasants in her Range Rover. Still hale and hearty, she regularly beats Charles in their weekly handball match.

While he waits, the Prince must sometimes look back at a life of frustrations and missed opportunities. But whatever you say about him, he's a survivor. The challenges began almost as soon as he was conceived. The Queen, far too busy with her Royal appointment book, had the fertilized egg which would eventually become her eldest son transferred to one of her ladies-in-waiting for gestation. For the first year of his life, Charles never saw his parents due to their constant touring and had to be suckled by one of the family's Corgis. As a toddler, he began to explore his palatial home, Buckingham Palace, and soon, he became lost and was not seen by anyone for nearly two years. He wandered through the 4,276 rooms of the Palace un-missed and unnoticed, surviving on a diet of wallpaper paste and lead paint chips.

As a boy, his father, Prince Philip, thought he needed some 'toughening up'(as he put it) and had the 5-year old heir parachuted from an RAF jet fighter onto the ice at McMurdo Sound, Antarctica, and told to find his own way back home. Finally reaching London again in 1960, he was immediately packed off to a boarding school in Tasmania, well-known for it's cruelty to humans.

Graduating in 1969 with qualifications in science, mathematics and cannibalism, he returned to the United Kingdom well prepared to take up his non-duties as Prince Of Wales. But even then, he was to be denied. The Queen, who hadn't seen Charles in years, mistakenly crowned comedian Benny Hill as Prince at the investiture ceremony at Caernarvon Castle in Wales. Hill officially held onto the post until his death in 1992, when the mistake was corrected and Charles resumed his rightful place in the line of succession.

Once he achieved adulthood, the Prince was one of the most eligible bachelors in the world along with Prince Albert of Monaco, Truman Capote and pop star, Prince. In the end, Charles chose to marry Princess Diana, who charmed him by blowing chunks all over his ceremonial uniform at their first meeting. Their marriage at St.Paul's Cathedral was seen by hundreds all over the world and featured Elton John singing a very creepy version of Candle In The Wind at the couple's reception at the Dog And Duck pub in Bermondsey. It wasn't a successful marriage, but did produce two sons, Ronnie and Reg, (who looked remarkably like the postman). People claimed that Charles was cold and uncaring to his bride, but after Diana's death in a Paris car crash, Charles immediately flew to France and made arrangements to have her wrecked BMW fully repaired and restored. His equerry still drives it to this day.

Alone again, the Prince set out to look for a new wife. He is thought to have wooed a very long list of women, including Margaret Thatcher, Barbara Bush, Mother Teresa and Dame Edna Everage, but found them either unavailable or uninterested. Desperate, he found a loophole in British common law that allowed the Prince to have an old drinking buddy of his, Freddy Parker-Bowels, drawn, quartered and hung. Charles then immediately married the widow, Carmella.

Today, The Prince is said to be at peace with the world, while not quite up on it. For example, as a Royal, you have all kinds of people to do things for you, like shopping, going to the toilet and answering telephones. As a result, Charles knows very little about technology in the 21st century. One of his main problems is that he mixes up cell phones and television sets. He is frequently seen at gala balls carrying a 42" LG flat-screen TV, complaining to anyone in earshot what a nuisance having a mobile phone is. Don't even ask about computers or the Internet.

But his worst dilemma still remains the succession. He desperately wants to be King and to finally fulfill his destiny. Time is running out for Charles to be enthroned while still continent, but the Queen is said to have promised him she will die just as soon as she can.

Well, even at the Palace, they must take time from their busy schedules for a brew-up, and I think I can hear all 1,327 Royal timepieces sounding 4 o'clock, and teatime!