WHEEZE FROM "THE GEEZE"

Born in the 19th century, still writing and commenting in the 21st, guest columnist Harry L. Geeseberger offers his sage wisdom as he squints at the issues of the day. Yes, dear readers, It's another "Wheeze From The Geeze".

Hello to all telegraph operators and ships at sea!

It's come to my attention that our new President Obama is going to be denied blackberries while serving in the White House...I happen to love blackberries and am sorry the President will miss out on them for the next few years...so tasty they are when they're fresh-picked... Shame!

What's all this balderdash I see on my old DuMont these days...a lizard selling car insurance? I think Geico is going up the wrong alley here...what happens when you have an accident?...Do you file your claim with a cockroach?... That's stuff we used to catch and play with when I was a kid.

I can't believe General Motors is going broke... it's the world's biggest company, but why in the world are they burning a billion dollars a month?...Isn't that illegal?... seems a wasteful practice...must make some blaze...But you know, they haven't been the same since the Corvair fiasco...I bought my Impala new in 1958 and never looked back, I can tell you.

This young gal actress, Nicole Kidman, I think she's had a nose job... I saw a video of "The Hours" just the other day - you know, the one where she plays Virginia Woolf?... Well, the nose she has today is an awful lot smaller than it was in that film...these Hollywood types - never satisfied!

I got a letter from my daughter Mabel the other day...it was in a nice linen wove envelope with very nice postage stamp on it...but she likes to keep up with the times... so she went and left all the vowels out of the words and sometimes used numbers for letters...can't make out a damn thing on it!...Kids today!

Have to laugh about all this faff concerning this so-called financial crisis - banks and investment firms going under and all that...I went to my local bank the other day to pay my electricity bill and withdraw twenty dollars - no problem!...Even picked up a pocket calendar for next year... Easy! I kid you not.

My great-grandson got me a cell phone for my birthday recently... I don't see the point...it's so damn small and the cord that came with it is about two-and-a-half feet long...Plus, every time I try and call someone a flash goes off...my granddaughter pushed a few buttons on it for me the other day and showed me 79 pictures of my ear...Honestly, useless!

I'll tell you a story...I was having dinner at my granddaughter's one evening and they ordered in some sushi...raw, uncooked fish...I just pretended to eat but was secretly putting my raw fish bits into an old soup can I had under my chair and just ate the rice...next day, I took my great-grandson fishing and used the sushi I saved for bait...eventually, I caught a 4-and-a-half pound trout with it and took it home and gave it to my granddaughter...so she cleans it and cooks it!...I just don't understand.

Until next time, my friends. Tell 'em kilroy was here!