SEETHING WITH GOOD WILL

Dear Readers,

Washington is quiet now as the politicians, exhausted from their 'workload' stagger back to their home districts for a little R&R (I had no idea that the Caribbean, Puerto Rico and the Bahamas were so well-represented). And even President Obama has headed off for the state of his birth, Hawaii, for some well-deserved down-time amongst the grass skirts and pineapples. In-between the parties and committing a solid majority of the seven deadly sins, the beltway pols can take a look at it's accomplishments and shortcomings from a position of extreme comfort and tally up the numbers. As everybody loves to keep score, there will be more scorecards for the new President's first year than returned sweaters to department stores. But I will resist the temptation to add to the pile by simply saying 'he made it'.

Whatever one says about Mr. Obama and the successes and/or failures of his first year, you gotta admit that the guy kept his cool. The people who expected the new President to wave a wand and change the D.C. culture in a instant have serious issues with the way things have gone to be sure. The left-wing Democrats, who seem to have expected him to govern to the left of Fidel Castro, and the lunatic right wing (i.e.,the leadership of the Republican Party), who were crying 'socialism' at every turn like trained circus bears, were the most vocal. Even the vast, centrist, piano majority seemed uncertain as to how to react to a President who promised change, yet wound up governing like a veteran bureaucrat, calmly surrounding himself with the Geitners', Summerses' and Clintons of the world. Yet, contrary to popular belief, things did get done, like the stimulus package, the Afghan 'surge', the auto rescue and the framework of the health care reform bill, just to name a few. Plus, the guy won a Nobel Prize for gawd's sake, without breaking a sweat. Much was left hanging though, like unemployment and banking reform (don't hold your breath), and dealing with those issues will make Finnegan's Wake seem like a beach novel. But even as tsunami after tsunami of criticism, unwanted advice and hasty judgements poured down on him, Obama maintained a calm, steady and confident demeanor, which at least gave off the impression of a man in firm control. While citizens of many stripes might have an awful lot to complain about this administration, you can't say he didn't stand up and do his job with a lot of aplomb.

Obama, who spent considerably more time as a candidate than as a senator during his two-thirds of a term in the upper body, certainly made the best use of his majority in the sense that he let congress be congress - with all it's slimy deal-making, porkbarrel ways - and got something out of it on a core issue like healthcare, a trick that no other president has been able to pull off. While other chief executives have tried to use their election victory momentum to dictate terms to the Congress, Obama just gave them a general idea of what he was after and let them churn out the sausage, using their own, traditional, unsanitary recipe. Considering that Obama was so little regarded (and little-seen) by his peers in his 4 years as a U.S. Senator, his approach borders on the brilliant in dealing with such a group of self-important, puffed-up group of insatiable grabbers.

So, while the business of governing in 2009 has had it's little successes, the coming year in the nation's capital promises to be an argy-bargy of epic proportions. The Republican rump may seem beaten and constantly outvoted, but it would be a serious mistake to take them lightly and dismiss them as a bunch of teabagged lunatics. While the left may be wary of the administration, and the center may be confused, the right-wingers are unshakable in their paranoia about Obama, and the infection can easily spread. It's worth noting that political Washington broke camp for the holidays with the 'loyal' opposition in a bitter high dudgeon over the health care bill, certain to return to work refreshed and committed to revenge. In between the presents and the parties, the Jacobins at Fox News will be banging away at Obama nonstop between the showings of "A Christmas Story" and "New Year's Rockin' Eve", and while most of the Republicans in congress are probably several time zones away from anybody resembling a constituent during this holiday break, no doubt they'll be 'hearing it', one way or another. Obama may be feeling good about how the year in Washington wound up, but it would be foolhardy to ignore an opposition that will return in 2010, tanned, rested and ready - and hell-bent on destruction.

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CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

Dear Readers,

Some inspirational quotes for you to help get through the required jolliness of the holiday season.

"Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed and the rejected." - Jimmy Cannon

"Christmas makes everything twice as sad." - Douglas Coupland

"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive." - Stephen Fry

"I beg to present to you as a Christmas present the city of Savannah." - William Tecumseh Sherman

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SINK THE BISMARCK!

Dear Readers,

The old saying about there being two things you shouldn't watch being made - sausage and legislation - is never more true in the case of this current attempt at health care reform. Except as the US Senate meat-grinder churns on, it seems like as many ingredients are being taken out as put in, and this bill looks like it's going to be quite an unappetising banger.

Gone are the better ideas like single-payer provisions, the public option, medicare buy-in and any sort of cost control which, to my way of thinking, should have been at the very heart of the legislation.

In fact, this bill has no heart. It's a freakish monster, written largely by the medical and drug lobbies and the !#$%^&! minority party, the left-for-dead GOP.

The medical lobbies and the Republicans have played this one beautifully. First, they got ahead of the curve by distilling easy-to-digest sound bite lies (like the Obama death-panels) out of complicated facts, scaring the bejesus out of and mobilizing the Republican 'base'. Then, with the help of the big medicine lobby and a handful of pusillanimous Democrats, they threatened a feckless Majority Leader of The Senate, Harry Reid, into making huge concessions in order to gain his 60-vote, filibuster-proof majority. So, not only have the Republicans gotten most everything that smacks of real reform out of the bill, but have contrived a scenario where the Democrats will get the blame when voters realize they've been had. Pure (evil) genius. Ernst Blofeld of 'James Bond' fame could not have done better.

When the Democrats watch, grinning, as President Obama inks the legislation, we'll probably have a bill - largely re-written by big medicine - that requires, under penalty of law any uninsured person or family to buy health care that basically allows insurance companies to charge what ever they want. Even the removal of the 'pre-existing condition' excuse for denying coverage is a poisoned chalice. Big insurance has to cover you, but can charge you big time for having, say, something like high blood pressure (a condition I'm acquiring as I type). No more deciding between the mortgage and paying your insurance premiums, no more choice between eating and settling your health care account, pay up or be heavily fined by the US Government. 'Death Panels' will no longer be a paranoid fiction - they'll be real and manned by big health insurance executives.

Why the Democrats decided to try and reform everything in one bill remains a mystery to me. Wouldn't it have been better to address each area of concern separately? They could have gained a sense of momentum by passing bills to remedy easy targets, then used that momentum to push through more controversial items. But no. They, like the German Kriegsmarine during World War II, just had to construct and put to sea an enormous, vulnerable, lumbering, huge-target Battleship Bismarck, heavy in firepower, but eventually doomed by a couple of well-aimed torpedos from old, slow, clapped-out, obsolete bi-planes. Surely, the Dems (who ought to act more like they run the government) would have been more successful by sending out a pack of legislative U-Boats, moving stealthily under water and picking off targets one at a time. Sadly though, unlike the original, this modern Bismarck will probably survive, severely damaged, but with it's still-powerful guns aimed squarely at the people it was designed to protect.

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I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUTTA HERE

Dear Readers,

Fame, ain't it a b**ch.

In a week where a very weird couple apparently gate-crashed an official state dinner at the White House, another crash was taking place about 1,000 miles away. Inadvertently, golf great Tiger Woods has turned a humble fire hydrant near his Floridian gated community estate into a cultural icon merely by crashing into it at 2:30 in the morning. Woods, who may be the most world-famous sports celebrity since Muhammad Ali, is now signalling to the rest of the planet that he would like to be left alone (and probably crawl beneath that hydrant) and have everybody just forget about the whole thing. But that's not possible when you are as well-known as he is, and for those who are just dying to be celebrities, it ought to be a morality tale-like warning, easily on a par with Aesop.

The wealthy goofballs who circulated at the White House state dinner apparently had it all - money, social status (of a sort), fairly good looks, good health and the savoir faire sufficient to blend in with the invited guests. Even with all that, they were suffering from a 'disease' that more and more Americans seem to be coming down with -they weren't famous. Forget the 'swine flu', 'Fame Flu' is a condition there seems to be no vaccine for, and it's spreading.

If your stomach is still strong enough to watch TV, you must have a number of 'reality shows' on your favorites list, and they are invariably populated by completely talent-free, utterly banal human beings who somehow grabbed the public's (and the TV producers) attention and attained the ultimate accolade - a hit TV show featuring themselves. The list is too great and nauseating to review, but when nobodies like Jon & Kate (plus 8) become cable-ratings kings and wind up on the cover of every publication from People to Popular Mechanics (having watched it once, one can only imagine what the lower-rated shows must be like), then you know that the 'fame coin' is seriously debased. Yet reality-show stars are actually only useful to the media until a real star like Tiger goes and screws up and blows them off the headlines.

So Mr. Woods hides out while speculation and unsourced gossip about what caused the wee-hours accident (and why he's reluctant to explain the circumstances around it) swirl around all media from TV to Twitter. The complete ordinariness of Woods's situation stands in stark contrast to the astonishing lack of security revealed by the White House gatecrashers, and yet his story won't die. Being famous for being famous is one thing, but real celeb-juice (based on talent, mostly) is still a rare commodity. Despite this truism, I can hear it even now, in some midwestern livingroom - "Ma, call the press, I think junior's trapped in an out-of-control hot-air balloon. And don't forget to call Hollywood, too". Andy Warhol didn't know the half of it.

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SOON TO BE SNAIL MAIL

Dear Readers,

Here's my newest promotional postcard. Please feel free to save it and print it out for later use, as I need to cut back on stamps. I think it's rather cute, don't you?

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A LINCOLN, NOT A FORD

Dear Readers,

Needless to say, it's been a rough few months for Barack Obama. In a nation obsessed with apps and American Idols, change must happen with the speed of thought, and with so many bottomless problems to deal with, it seems that people are quite willing to sacrifice sense on the altar of swiftness.

Ironically, it's the speed of the progress of the health care bill that seems to have bothered the nation the most. While the President seems to dither on W's war in Afghanistan, he gets slammed for the slowness of action in that problem, and at the same time gets pilloried for pushing too hard and too fast in the massive reform of our medical system. No matter how confident an incoming President may be, the truth is, you just can't win.

Most newly-elected Chief Executives - with the possible exception of FDR - have had rough first years. Even John F. Kennedy, with far less immediate crises to deal with, was viewed by some as not up to the job because of the Bay Of Pigs disaster and his less-than-successful first meeting with the USSR leadership. But JFK didn't have a legion of radio and TV Brownshirts publicly 'hoping he would fail' and even doubting his claim to be a natural-born US citizen. Critics back then grumbled but they didn't attempt to overthrow the new government.

A more apt comparison to Obama's rookie season could be made with the first year of Abraham Lincoln's presidency (not surprisingly, our president's favorite role-model), one in which the nation went to war with itself and Abe had to watch as his poorly-led army suffered defeat after defeat on the battlefield. Lincoln also had to put up with savage attacks on his motives, his character and even how he looked. He was often compared to a simian and some of his less-clever critics referred to him as 'Ape' Lincoln (...c'mon, Rush, I dare you...). But our 16th President kept his cool and instead of pandering to the mob literally baying for his blood, he remained himself, confident (outwardly, at least) that he would eventually find the solutions.

Obama has not only had to hear it from all the media chicken-hawks on how to conduct policy as regards to Afghanistan - but he's also had to stand some fairly inappropriate public comments from his Generals running the hopeless conflict. A lesser man would have ordered wholesale firings, but I think his commitment to rationalism remains firm. While it looks like feckless inaction to some, it looks like thoughtful resolve to me. Lincoln, in the early days of the Civil War bemoaned his lack of a winning General, one who would confront the enemy and fight instead of holding back for fear of losing. Today, it's the Generals who bemoan the lack of a decisive president who won't give them 500,000 more troops to waste in a lost cause. The last president who gave the generals all that they wanted was Lyndon B. Johnson (whom I seem to remember had a fantastic first year in office). So clearly, history, with all it's parallels, is not always the best example to gauge the present by. Last November, we voted for change, and we got it. We replaced a quick-acting, slow-thinking (often no-thinking) President with an intelligent, analytical and deliberate one. Isn't that change enough?

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HELLO, I MUST BE GOING

Dear Readers,

In the fun house-mirror world of entertainment, nothing becomes a celebrity more than how they make an exit. Many of us have spent obscene amounts of money to attend 'farewell tour' concerts of our best-loved musicians, comedians and other circus acts, only to find out a few years later that the celeb has decided to come out of retirement. Let's face it, all people who have grabbed the brass ring of fame will only give it up when it's prised from their cold, dead fingers. Perhaps the only celebrity who has announced a farewell tour who actually kept their word was Michael Jackson, and he needed quackery and enough meds to knock out a battalion of Cossacks in order to do it.

So, in a tearful statement last week, Oprah Winfrey announced she was leaving her daytime syndicated show -her farewell tour lasting only another eighteen months - and voluntarily stepping down from the gabfest throne. Like her or not, Oprah is a phenomenon. I can't say I'm a regular viewer, but by daytime talk-show standards, she's the best there has ever been in the genre, and the best that probably ever will be. In a Rupert Murdoched media environment, no articulate, telegenic and intelligent person will ever again be allowed access to the airwaves, and we'll be left with meatballs like Dr. Phil and airheads like Tyra Banks to stare at idly while we wait for the unemployment check to arrive. Besides, with on-line playpens like Facebook, You Tube and Twitter, the daytime TV schedule is increasingly irrelevant (along with newspapers). Like Muhammad Ali with heavyweight boxing, Oprah is taking the category of daytime talk-show host with her when she goes.

But wait! While Ms. Winfrey intends to step away from her popular, high-paying gig in about 2 years, she'll almost immediately pop up on her own soon-to-be network on cable. Yes, in the 35 minutes or so between contracts, we'll have the Oprah Winfrey Network to look forward to (I can already see the revolvers, sleeping pills and razor blades emerging from the desks of ABC and CBS executives). Although nothing has been announced in detail, I would lay odds that we shall see Oprah again in a show or two not unlike the one she's giving up.

But I say, good for her. She seems a smart and level-headed lady, and her fame is nothing if not truly deserved. If you give her credit for only one thing, her talk show - and it's by-products, like the Oprah Book Club - have not only raised the national IQ a point or two, but have saved daytime TV from going totally over the Jerry Springer cliff, no mean feat. So, I wish Ms. Winfrey all success, a long life and continued good fortune, but please don't make it seem like you're leaving us. How can we miss you if you never go away?

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COLORING THE TROOPS

Dear Readers,

I didn't think it was possible to squeeze anymore entertainment juice out of World War Two, but the current WWII In HD series on the Discovery Channel has proved otherwise.

In this instance the said channel is living up to its name, as it has discovered new footage of the war, some taken by soldiers and individuals during the conflict that had been stored and forgotten in private collections. It's hard to believe that so many veterans had kept these films in attics and basements, thinking they were of little value. Maybe they thought there's been so many TV programs, series and re-assessments of WW2 (enough to merit it's own cable channel, at least), every moment of the conflict must have already been captured on celluloid and their contributions would be superfluous. In an age where practically every piece of junk is a 'collectible' to somebody, and nothing seems to be valueless, these newly-found artifacts are invaluable, and take us beyond the familiar and iconic images to give us a little taste of how messy and nasty this 'good war' was for the ordinary citizen who had to do all the dirty work.

During the war, a good amount of censorship was felt necessary to keep the reality of the battlefield from the public, and the most graphic material stayed under wraps - especially if it involved 'our' side. Letting people see what they might be in for if they were sent into battle was not very good for morale, obviously. But having seen the first episode of this series, I was impressed by the amount of footage of the dead and the dying that was aired, and also of field hospitals (an often forgotten ancillary of warfare), and the operations on wounded soldiers that took place within. It reminded me of a sadistic health teacher I had in grade school who showed some similar films (only to the boys) in order to 'toughen us up'. We saw reels and reels of surgery on these battlefield injuries, causing some of us to faint. I hung on, but was haunted by what I saw.

Surprisingly, a lot of the more gruesome stuff was actually filmed in color, and this in an age before digital 'colorizing' (all previous wars were in black-and-white only). So if I have any criticism of WWII In HD, its that quite a lot of the footage they used to tell the stories was obviously colorized. It's a pretty refined technique these days, but I think a lot of the people who do colorizing are techies, not artists. For instance, when there was a shot of an explosion shown, the fireball had all it's oranges and reds, but the dust-and-debris cloud remained a stubborn B&W-film grey (grey has color, too - to an artist). Also, all faces seemed to be the same tint. A minor point, but annoying all the same.

I wonder what the vets - who had put away these films and practically forgotten about them - feel about seeing their 'home' movies messed with. My guess is that, to a combat veteran of World War Two, their memories have always been in vivid, stark and unfading color, and no technology can ever mess with that - unfortunately.

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McCAIN'S REVENGE

Dear Readers,

Excerpts from the Sarah Palin book, Going Rouge are beginning to appear, and it looks like the man who pulled her from well-deserved obscurity is not going to come out of too well. Yes, not only are we going to be treated to a no-holds barred re-writing of the would-be Veep's disastrous 2008 campaign, but poor old John McCain will be savaged by his very own creation.

I suppose it will not only become a best-seller, trash McCain and his handlers and offer us the wit and wisdom of the moose-slaughtering, ex-governor of Alaska, but it will probably be regarded as the first serious stirrings of the 2012 presidential campaign. The very notion that Sarah would be taken seriously by anyone as a US president is offset by the sheer exasperation many Americans seem to have for Mr. Obama, perhaps our brainiest chief executive. But a quick think about the motives of the Republican Party - i.e., get the controls of government again - and you begin to see the sense of promoting Palin as the saviour of the country. The neocons have a long track record of getting 'amiable dunces' elected to the White House - just examine the list of the last 30 years or so. If you think that there's no way a half-wit could ever get his or her feet under the desk in the Oval Office, think again. You have to admire the skills of the Cheneys, Rumsfelds, and Roves of the GOP, as they've been at or near the heart of the machines that saw Ronald Reagan and a couple of George Bushes (easily the dimmest dynastic family since the Windsors) win election to the highest office in the land. The Democrats, on the other hand, have gotten extremely smart people elected in the last 30 years - Jimmy Carter (nuclear peanut baron), Bill Clinton (Rhodes scholar) and Barack Obama (earned a degree from Harvard in 6 weeks) - yet it's the Republican double-digit IQ candidates that people are beginning to look back at fondly - in spite of the fact that a fair-minded assessment of the records would have to conclude these GOP presidents have collectively wreaked the most damage on ordinary citizens.

So Palin puts out Going Rouge (I know it's really called 'Going Rogue', but let me have my little joke) and the cycle starts again. In the film Frankenstein, the torch-carrying mob corners and seems to kill the monster Victor Frankenstein has created, but it's looking like in real life, the mob wishes the monster to live, and instead, turns on itself. Meanwhile, back in the gloomy, gothic laboratory, the mad scientists of the GOP nudge and wink at each other, thinking "it's alive, it's alive"!!

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YOU VET YOUR LIFE

Dear Readers,

For those who's history only goes as far back as the Imac, Veteran's Day probably needs some sort of explanation. Arising out of the slaughter of World War One, so many people had been affected by the loss or maiming of a loved one, some sort of acknowledgement of the wasting of so many lives needed to take place -probably not for sentimentality's sake, but in order that the people in power could maintain that control over the mass of humanity that sustains those who seek to rule.

It's in this context that we observe another yearly recognition of those who choose to defend us.

Yet there are those of us who command the airwaves and earn huge salaries by stoking prejudices, railing against common sense and urging our country into military folly that see our brave boys and girls as (as Bob Dylan once wrote) as 'pawns in the game', and want to send even more of them into a mindless Moloch of misguided madness. Yes, Rush, Glenn, Sean and Bill, I'm talking about you.

The right-wing 'chicken-hawks' who feel it's their duty to urge young men and women to take up arms -when they did not bother to- should be ashamed of themselves, even as they pose as 'patriots', stirring up 'teabag' mobs into action against ideas which do not suit these media satraps' notions of how we should behave. Men with microphones are the bravest - as long as it's not they who are doing the dying.

Yes, this country should absolutely revere those who have taken up arms in defense of this democracy, and many have died horrible, painful deaths in fighting fields where honor and liberty was at stake - but survival was what it came down to in the end. Without realizing it, they were metaphors, and it pains me to see so many right-wing blabbermouths elevating their own status on the dead bodies of people they view as mere fuel for their own firestorms.

But life isn't fair, and the cowards who have suddenly found militarism thrive while the very audiences they pander to send their children off to hopeless, murderous wars.

I sleep uneasily thinking about the veterans who have been maimed and slaughtered in service to this country, but Glenn, Rush and Sean sleep peacefully in the confident assurance that there will always be armies willing to die for their wealth and comfort. Is this a great country, or what?

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ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD

Dear Readers,

The New York Yankees have won the World Series and have regained their place as the champions of Major League Baseball. The planet has regained it's equilibrium, the stars have aligned in a new 'age of Aquarius', and we can count on at least 6 months of perfect weather in all parts of the country.

There are other effects to be noticed that have been effected by this return to normalcy, like:

Osama Bin Laden has been captured and has offered -along with all the Al-Queida members he's aware of - to personally rebuild the World Trade Center buildings - for free.

Bernard Madoff has informed authorities that he has a Swiss bank account with $750 trillion dollars in it, and would like to repay all the people he ripped off plus retire the entire U.S. national debt.

Hamid Karzai has announced he will join the Green Party, quit as President, and allow Afghanistan to have free elections without him.

Rush Limbaugh has announced he's giving up his radio show to join ACORN.

Paula Abdul has promised she will never appear on TV again.

Sarah Palin has retired from politics to become a US park ranger, to be stationed in Greenland.

Iran has decided to give up it's nuclear weapons program and has applied to become the 51st US State.

And you thought sports was silly. I'll let you know of more normalcy events as they come in.

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OBAMA BOMBS?

Dear Readers,

In a free society like the United States, being able to elect our leaders is one of the most cherished rights we have - even if this right is only exercised by about half of the eligible voters in any given election year. If the system has a flaw, it's that every year seems to be an election year, even if - like this year - there were only a handful of contests of national interest. There just never seems to be enough time between elections to get much done before the political winds begin to shift.

So, only 10 months or so into a new Presidency, voters in Virginia and New Jersey have reversed themselves and voted Republican in states that President Obama carried only one year ago. Many will see the results as a test of Obama and of his polices, and the man who sailed through a fancy school like Harvard has scored a 'D', at best. If there's any comfort for the Democrats out of this election, it's that the weird race in New York's 23rd congressional district, where right-wing kooks pulled out all the stops to win, may turn out to be a gain for the plucky blue-staters. But it's not much comfort for most sane people to see the GOP, having been reduced to a quarrelsome rump by the unambiguous results of the elections of 2006 and 2008, suddenly feeling as if they have renewed life, especially as they have petulantly poisoned the national debate and body politic all year long.

The 'new spirit of co-operation' lasted only long enough for Republican pols to digest and eliminate the inaugural-day meals they ate (along with some humble pie) on January 20th. I give team Obama props for giving 'peace' a chance, but once it was clear that co-operation on the serious issues bequeathed to the country by the Cheney-Bush nightmare was not going to happen (this should have been understood say...about January 21st), then the Democrats should have just proceeded to ignore the 'bleating hearts' of the opposition and gotten down to business. But the cool and calm Obama (perhaps bringing the first sense of thoughtfulness to the Oval Office since JFK) didn't exactly spring into action but instead, accidentally built up an image of a dithering neophyte - a cardinal sin in a country full of five-minute attention spans, talent 'reality' shows where a new idol is created in a matter of weeks and a techno-savvy electorate who have seen 85,000 apps for the !#$%&*ing I-phone appear in a matter of months. How do you explain and re-set complex issues like the economy, health care and international terrorism to a mob like that? The worst that can be said about the administration is that it didn't seem to try.

Into this vacuum we saw the cruel simplifiers of the GOP effortlessly fill the void. From tea parties to town meeting disruptions to the Fox News Channel's endless Obama-bashing, the opinions tipped and the losers of 2008 became the winners of 2009. The ineptitude of the Democrats was excruciating to watch through the spring and summer.

Now, here in the autumn, we witness life being breathed into an ideology that looked like road-kill only twelve months ago. The architects of a system that has failed an enormous number of people for an enormous amount of time are acting like leaders again while our actual leaders look feeble and uncertain So, ladies and gentlemen, as of this moment, the 2010 election has officially begun, which means it's almost certain that nothing good is going to get done for a bad, long while. Ironically, people impatient and frustrated over a perceived lack of movement for the better have once again voted for -you guessed it - change.

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TAKING THE MICHAEL

Dear Readers,

This weekend marks the release of Michael Jackson's This Is It movie, and already, film industry number-crunchers are worried that it may not live up to box-office expectations. The film, culled from Jackson's rehearsal videos made in preparation for a 50-show engagement in London, was expected to have a $50 million opening weekend, but may fall short, based on the first-in overseas numbers. Michael, you just can't win, even from the grave.

While I appreciated the enormous talent Jackson possessed, I can't say I was actually a fan. But one thing I did feel was sorry for the man. I know, I know, he seemed to have gotten up to some weird things at Neverland (a paedophile's dream house if ever there was one), but I never thought he was actually guilty of any wrongdoing - bad judgement, maybe - but I don't think he did anything illegal. Any sane adult would not have left their children alone with a non-relative stranger, and the ones who did leave them in the charge of Jackson must have had sinister designs of one kind or another, and using their kids in an attempt to make themselves some money or fame was the only illegality going on at Jackson's fantasy camp, IMHO. The parts of the story I do believe are the ones that make the erstwhile King Of Pop seem a very unhappy person indeed.

Real and pseudo psychologists must be knocking themselves out trying to peddle books on what made Jackson behave as he did, but the truth will never really be known, even with all the stories and rumors that accumulated over the years about the singer's lifestyle. But let's face it, nobody will ever really know for sure, because nobody has ever been as famous - or as scrutinized - as Michael Jackson was. A little bit of fame is probably OK, but that much fame is usually lethal.

So now the undertakers of Jackson's legacy are in charge, and this film of his last performances is only the beginning - even if it doesn't live up to the industry's financial expectations. For as we've learned over the last 13 months or so, money is everything to an awful lot of people, and, one might add, fame is for suckers. 'Cash is King' and maybe this quote from Mark Twain completes that nostrum - "Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident. The only earthly certainty is oblivion". So rest in peace, Michael, while those still earthbound continue to flog your corpse.

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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD SPACEMEN

Dear Readers,

I doubt that many people knew about today's postponed launch of the Ares 1-X rocket, NASA's latest product that was designed to take man to the moon again. In fact, most people today probably think NASA is a new cellphone company, or maybe a new Apple product that somehow escaped being called an I-NASA. Sadly, (I am a long-time fan of real space stuff) apart from the occasional Shuttle explosion, NASA has pretty much disappeared from public view and it's administrators are realizing that it's become a faded hero in search of a role.

Recent U.S. Presidents have tried to revive the coolness of space exploration by dreaming up new things for the federally-funded space agency to do - like technical genius George W. issuing a 'challenge' to fly to Mars - but have never really put the people's money where their rhetoric is, leaving NASA to work up detailed plans for missions that will never get off the ground, so to speak. The failure today (because of the weather) to launch the Ares rocket can't help much, and even if it does go up tomorrow- as now planned- the whole program is doomed to expected budget cuts that have already made it obsolete. In a world awed and increasingly run by palm-sized gadgets, the irony is that the launch of a 370-foot technical marvel attracts less interest than the latest I-Phone App.

The trouble is that, after all the great interstellar science-fiction of the 20th century, real space travel turned out to be, well.., boring. The sight of American Astronauts actually dancing around on a dry, dead and colorless orb like the moon was awesome at first, but quickly faded where it counted most -in the TV ratings. Earth-bound technology's best brains turned to creating special effects for movies, inventing the home computer (all all that flowed from that) and designing a virtual gaming universe that was far more exciting than the dull, real thing.

So all we have left from 'The Space Age' are commercial satellites (and their sinister cousins, ICBM's), an international space station that is a pointless dump, and a lot of space debris circling the earth like a restless junkyard. Oh, and a few hundred pounds of rocks from the moon that have told us the obvious - we're it in this universe. The aging group of 60's -era Astronauts must be bewildered at the neglect of space exploration that will certainly continue for the foreseeable future, but in a sense, it's their fault - their skill and courage proved that space is just not all that interesting - compared to Space Invaders.

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ANOTHER UNWINNABLE WAR

Dear Readers,

Freedom of speech -and by extension, freedom of the press - is perhaps our most cherished privilege, and I absolutely defend the right of the Fox News Channel to be as nasty, unfair and scathing in their non-stop criticism of the current administration as they wish to be. As their viewing figures reflect, many, many people agree with the 'fair and balanced' approach they peddle. But the Obama administration's 'war' against FNC is a futile one which they ought to know they will certainly lose, and for this group of supposedly smart people to waste even a second of the people's paid-for time on this battle is disappointing.

The struggles of the administration are already grist for the Fox mill on a daily basis, so why add a personalized feud to this feast as garnish? Like some scene from The Sopranos, White House major domo, David Axelrod and FNC overlord Roger Ailes recently had a 'sit down' at a NYC steak house to discuss ways of solving the problem, but nothing much has come of it to date. In fact, the shrillness from the Fox stable of highly-paid whiners has only increased, while bashing of the network and petty reprisals (like The President refusing to appear on Fox chat shows) has been the response from the Obama camp. And it's not like they should have expected that FNC would join in a new spirit of co-operation either, after all, the network is a barely-disguised right arm of the Republican Party - and always has been. If President Obama thinks that he's stepping into a boxing ring, expecting a fairly-refereed match, then think again; in the Fox corner is a gang pulling out switchblades, tire-irons and brass knuckles. It's the WWE, not the Marquess Of Queensbury rules, with WWE-sized ratings as well, which only FNC will reap the benefits of. The President's advisers would do well to remember who the Marquess Of Queensbury was, apart from the guy who devised boxing's basic rules. It was he that Oscar Wilde sued for slander (Queensbury accused him of 'posing as a sodomite' -strong stuff in them days), a case which Wilde lost, paving the way for his eventual arrest, conviction and imprisonment on morals charges. (One shudders as to what the Fox News Channel would have done with Wilde).

So, note to Axelrod: before your guy gets pummeled so badly that he has to end his career, please throw in the towel, there's no prize for your side in winning this bout anyway.

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WAITING FOR SARAH

Dear Readers,

President Obama has been in office a mere 9 months, but the impatience over his lack of progress in cleaning up the frat-party mess of the Bush regime is growing. It was to be expected that the GOP would start whining and backbiting as soon as the inaugural parade was over, but now, liberal and moderate Democrats seem to be adding to the national grumble as well. Unemployment is still about 10%, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq still grind on, Gitmo is still an operational prison, Wall Street remains largely unregulated (and their bonuses are as big as ever) and the health care-reform bill is beginning to look like a soviet-era Lada that's been hammered out of all recognition by a group of Japanese Kodo drummers (and about as useful). After years of disastrous decisiveness, we seem to have forgotten that just because decisions are taken quickly, that doesn't mean they are correct. But fear not, dear readers, for help is on the way.

Yes, we only have a few more weeks until the public re-emergence of America's new sweetheart, Sarah Palin. Her new book is already a best-seller- thanks to preorders- and soon, she'll be on every television and radio talk show (including Seasame Street, probably) in the nation, hawking the thing. I'm sure American hearts will quicken as our Sarah reduces major and complex issues to George W.- level understandability and we can all relax at being reminded of how simple it is to run the country. I'm sure she won't immediately announce her intention of running for president in 2012, but the implication will be there as she succeeds in appealing to our intellect-reductive impulses, and positioning herself as the anti-Obama. No snob, our Sarah, she's one of us.

So, those of you who miss the good old days of ignoring terrorist warnings, complete de-regulation of Wall Street, hanging out at a #$%&*ing ranch in Texas while a major US city gets wiped out by a hurricane, cooking up wars based on phony 'evidence', putting psychopaths in charge of the Defense department and other such simple solutions, don't worry, we only have about three years before Sarah puts it all right again. I imagine somewhere, Dick Cheney must be rubbing his hands and salivating.

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RUSH 2 JUDGEMENT

Dear Readers,

Pity poor Rush Limbaugh, as his attempt to be part of a group trying to buy the NFL's St. Louis Rams was scuppered by the football league's commissioner, many NFL players, and a general outcry of negative public opinion. Limbaugh, a shameless purveyor of racism, right-wing paranoia and general hatred of anybody who disagrees with him in the slightest, issued a bitter statement of withdrawal that whined about 'liberal-types' who prevented him from moving into the mainstream. What? This self-important windbag who could give Joseph Goebbels lessons in mind manipulation is seriously deluded if he thought anybody would consent to be an employee of his, white or black.

As right-wing Republicans continue to push our nation into a kind of Bosnia-like ethnic-cleansing fantasy, the frustration they display at their ouster from power knows no bounds, and the attempt by Limbaugh and his ilk to assuage their hurt at not being able to run the country in their own selfish manner by trying to buy into the world of sport is sad and pathetic. If only one could feel sorry for them. As Rush takes reassuring calls on his radio show from his legion of dittoheads, he must feel as if he has public opinion totally on his side, and therefore, feels as if anything he wants to do has the unquestioning popular support of the general public. But the outcry at his attempt to turn an escapist pastime such as Pro Football into a ideological playground must have dented his Goodyear-blimp-sized ego just enough to produce the whiny, self-pitying reaction that he must have been so surprised to have to issue.

I thought that the NFL had reached the bottom of self-respect when it allowed Michael Vick to return to playing, but if it had turned a blind eye to the likes of an intolerant bigot like Limbaugh to become part of the sport's fabric, well...

I can take sweet satisfaction that the NFL, at least, considers Rush Limbaugh to be lower than a dog-killer, which is just about right.

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MOORE IS LESS

Dear Readers,

It's not easy being a liberal these days. The exuberance and relief the country felt when it replaced George W. Bush with Barack Obama has itself been replaced with disappointment and a kind of 'buyer's remorse' over it's investment in the Democratic Party. Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq remain unsettled and unchanged, the economic stimulus plan hasn't stemmed the hemorrhaging of jobs and the health care reform plan is quickly becoming a program that everybody hates in one way or another. Add to this the resurgence of the hateful and spiteful, over-simplifying GOP, and you have an atmosphere of unease and confusion in a country that had so much optimism only nine months ago.

Into this miasma, Michael Moore has dropped his latest documentary, Capitalism: A Love Story, and it's landed with a bit of a thud.

I've not yet seen the film, but I imagine it's Mr. Moore's usual mix of facts, fictions, comedy and the absurd, led from the front by the bulky, un-shy filmmaker. Not surprisingly, a movie chiefly about the economy has only been a modest success, probably disappointing Hollywood and it's amoral bean-counters. Even with Moore enacting hilarious stunts like placing crime scene tape around the Stock Exchange, anything to do with economics is both dull and painful. Also, since Moore is a unabashed liberal, he's temporarily (at least) on the wrong side of history.

All of Moore's films manage to stir up controversy of one kind or another, but unlike taking on GM, the NRA and Big Healthcare, taking on capitalism maybe leaves him too vulnerable to right-wing charges of hypocrisy and fudging of facts (he is, like most all of us, a capitalist). The re-statement by Moore of the evil of greed in light of the latest big-banker led economic guacamole seems like old, obvious news (and still-unresolved issues) and perhaps translates into the film's soft box-office numbers. We both love and hate capitalism (depending on which side of the whip you happen to be on) but we don't necessarily want to hear anything bad about it.

So while the Republican neocons club President Obama over the head on a daily basis with charges that he's a socialist with a secret socialist agenda, we need celebrities like Michael Moore pushing in the other direction with equally overstated charges to try an achieve a rough balance. It was once said that 'in war, truth is the first casualty', an adage that Hollywood-bashers could change to 'in movies, truth is the first casualty'. But micro-fact-checking Michael Moore documentaries is a misguided endeavor, best left to those who have the most to fear from their overall verity.

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NOBEL PRIZE: FIVE FOR FIGHTING

Dear Readers,

The uproar over President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize win only goes to show how misunderstood this honor is in this country. The cries of 'What has he done to deserve it?' tend to obscure the sometimes subtle motivations behind the selection of a Peace Prize recipient. In addition, the frenzied, childish and hysterical reaction from the schoolyard-bully, 12-year old mentality of right wing Republicans and their shills - like Rush Limberger, Glenn 'What-The-Heck' Beck and Sean Hate-etty- only go to underline the importance placed on this most maligned of prizes even when the motives for it's presentation are unclear.

Despite the rather flimsy explanations offered by the weedy Norwegians who give out these prizes, the real reason Mr. Obama won is that the whole world is so damn relieved that George W. Bush is no longer the US President and that the current occupant does not dance to the tune of the crypto-retrograde, would-be dictators like Dickhead Cheney.

To my way of thinking, this is a perfectly sound excuse to award the prize to Obama, and I only wish that the Oslo committee had not been so feckless in avoiding saying so. The GOP and other hate groups probably realize the real reason he won, and besides, they're always going to be freaked out by any success that this President might have. They discount the fact that Obama did not lobby or campaign for the prize and despise him not only for winning, but being perceived as a man who stands for peaceful relations - an anathema to the belligerent neocons.

As a matter of fact, many other Americans have won the Peace Prize over the years, and yet a fair number of them have won the honor by fighting. Here's a partial list:

1925 - Then Vice-President Charles B. Dawes fought for the Kellogg-Briand Treaty, which renounced war as an instrument of national policy.

1931 - Settlement house movement leader Jane Addams fought for women's rights through the Women's International League for Peace And Freedom.

1945 - Secretary of State Cordell Hull fought against US isolationism before America entered World War II and started kicking Nazi butt all over the place.

1962 - Linus C. Pauling, chemist and vitamin-C freak, fought against nuclear weapons.

1997 - Jody Williams fought for the banning and clearing of anti-personnel land mines.

That's a heck of a lot of fighting in order to win a peace prize, ain't it? So ease up on President Obama already, after all, isn't this country all about winning? I never heard such a hoo-ha over somebody winning something. Sometimes winners win undeservedly, but a win's a win, yeah?

In addition to bagging the Peace Prize, Obama collects a cool $1.4 million off a guy (Alfred Nobel) who invented dynamite - plus, that geezer was a foreigner! Even Rush ought to applaud that.

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JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS

Dear Readers,

We're in luck! former Alaskan Governatrix Sarah Palin's memoirs will be published on November 17th!

Since her departure from the national stage this past summer, politics has gotten completely out of hand and the Republican Party has become rudderless, so it's hoped that words from our Sarah will be a steadying influence on the national debate - so needed in these complicated times.

Eschewing a ghostwriter, Palin supposedly wrote all the words in the book herself, relying only on spellcheck for assistance. Crayons will NOT be included.

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CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE

HAIRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BAKED LOST SYMBOL

by J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown

1,847pp - USGov Press $24.95

When he took office in January, President Obama took one look at the financial ledgers of the country and fainted. When he regained consciousness, he put into motion a scheme to try and save the country from ruin. That was the origin of the Stimulus Plan, and one of the lesser known ideas he proposed involved the world of publishing. Obama, himself a best-selling author, placed calls to two of the most successful writers in history, J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown. Between them, they owned 46% of the entire world's wealth, so, naturally, the President asked them if they could spare a little money to help get the country out of a dire situation. Both said no, but offered up a substitute - they would write a new book together and hand it over to the Government for publication. In addition, they would take no fees or royalties, thus giving the US Treasury a revenue stream that would easily surpass what was collected in income tax. The result is Hairy Potter And The Half-Baked Lost Symbol. It's an odd book- the story splits it's time between Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and a Masonic Lodge in Racine, Wisconsin- but ultimately satisfying. The plot revolves around a bowling tournament in Racine, where Hairy, Ron and Hermaphodite go up against a team of Katherine Solomon, Robert Langdon and the evil Lord Moldyvort. Strangely, the bowling alley where the contest is being held is run by The Pope, and the pin-setter is the loyal and demented cypher, Pa'Lin, who is suspected of running a secret society in the basement of the nearby Moose Lodge. Dark doings and paranoiac panoramas are endemic throughout the story, and confusingly, long stretches of the book are in Parseltongue (the language of snakes), which only Hairy Potter can understand. This is a major flaw in the book, since many chapters consist of the other main characters whispering 'what did he say?' to each other, which tends to slow down the pace rather seriously. Otherwise, it's a very good, events-driven page-turner, and overcomes some doubtful plot twists, like the one where a relationship develops between Albus Dumblebore, Ron Weasley and Katherine Solomon, which results in a pregnancy. (The child quickly grows up, becoming the head of a worldwide kegler's organization that saves the world from evil). In a swift series of events near the end of the book, the bowling alley burns down, killing Pa'Lin and Lord Moldyvort while also destroying the Lost Symbol of the title, which turned out to be only an amateurish engraving on the back of a frisbee of an experimental shoe guaranteed to add 5 points to a bowler's average that was designed by a sinister podiatrist working on a freelance basis for the Professional Bowling Association's Annual Dinner and Dance committee. OOPS! Spoiler Alert.

It may not be the strongest book from either of these fine authors, but the gift of their talent to help balance the budget of the United States is incalculable. The Government Publishing Office is so confident that the book will sell in the trillions that they have ordered every tree in the state of South Carolina to be cut down and pulped, in order to satisfy the expected demand that will keep the printers working 3 shifts for years to come. (For the record, President Obama has stated that the surprise choice of South Carolina (it originally was to be Alaska) to de-forest has nothing to do with the fact that South Carolina voted for McCain in 2008, or that the state's right wing hick-congressman Joe Wilson 'dissed' him in front of a national audience last week.) So, do your duty for your country and enjoy Hairy Potter And The Half-Baked Lost Symbol - easily the most stimulating part of this year's stimulus plan. A Tea With SB must-buy.

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THE MOUTH OF THE SOUTH

Dear Readers,

In a historic vote the other day, the U.S. House Of Representatives voted 778-197 to tell Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) to shut his stupid pie hole. The vote was a bit of a surprise, since there are only 435 members of the house, but it's rumored that some may have voted twice to censure the hick-state loudmouth. Yet, the whole controversy - when Rep. Wilson shouted "You Lie" at President Obama as he was giving a speech to the Congress on health care - is a result of a colossal misunderstanding.

A few days before the unfortunate incident, a reporter asked President Obama what book he was reading these days. Obama, always open and friendly to nosy reporters, answered that he had just finished H.G. Wells' War Of The Worlds and quipped that "If this country had had a decent health care system in place, the Martian aliens might have been able to get treatment for their inability to tolerate earth germs, and in spite of their illegal invasion of this planet, we might have saved them and gone on together to build a more peaceful and prosperous universe". Well, the humorless reporter took the President seriously and wrote that Obama was proposing health care for illegal aliens as part of his reform package, and the rest is history. Wilson, no fan of The President or H.G. Wells, read this bogus story, then went on to commit his faux pas by rudely interrupting (and waking up several dozing lawmakers) the President as Obama got to the point in his speech where he declared that no illegal aliens would be covered by the proposed Federal plan.

Washington D.C. acted as if it were shocked by the outburst, but a quick check of the history books shows us that this kind of interruption of Presidential addresses to Congress is far from rare. In an age before TV, lawmakers often broke into important speeches with insults and remarks. In 1929, President Herbert Hoover was droning on at Congress when Senator Marvin 'Peanuts' Anchovy (D-Ohio) shouted "Eat Me" as the hapless President came to a passage in his speech debunking the rumor that he was giving prime farmland in Nebraska to a group of bi-polar yak herders. Representative L. Gruber Kissingbottom (R-Wisconsin) was ejected from the well of the House during a 1946 speech by President Hairy Truman when he let out a 32-second belch that reeked of Limburger Cheese, momentarily distracting the bespectacled former haberdasher as he came to a critical point in his speech regarding the sale of Carpenter Ants to Yugoslavia. Even today, leaders of other great democracies suffer from a certain amount of incivility when attempting to address serious issues. In Britain, for example, President Gordon Ramsay must endure taunts, jeers and a shower of spitballs as he attempts to speak during the weekly Prime Minister's question time - plus, by tradition, he must deliver his remarks in the nude.

So, we don't need to overreact to the Tourrette's-like utterance of one dimwitted congressperson, we're a lot tougher than that, aren't we? The censure by his fellow legislators - plus the severe physical beating administered to Rep. Wilson in the House steam-room by disgusted Democrats and Republicans - ought to be enough punishment.

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WORDS ON "THE STREET"

Dear Readers,

One year on from the collapse of Lehman Brothers and we're all a lot sadder and wiser about the economy. Some of us are also a lot more familiar with the insider lingo of the brokers and traders who, like workers in every specialized field of endeavor, have their own unique phrases and shorthand. To me, one of the most interesting ones out of Wall Street was "Taking A Haircut", which seems to have two meanings - 1. The difference between prices at which a market maker can buy and sell a security, and 2. The percentage by which an asset's market value is reduced for the purpose of calculating capital requirement, margin and collateral levels. Even though I've heard that one a lot this past year, I'm still not exactly sure what it means, in spite of the explanation proffered here. So I wondered if there were any other Wall Street-type expressions using references to personal grooming that might be shorthand for the unexplainable, and -yes there are. And here are a few that I've discovered over the last several months:

1. Cleaning Out Belly-Button Lint - The shredding or otherwise destroying damning or compromising documents that might cause problems with a pending SEC investigation.

2. Putting On False Eyelashes - When a senior-level executive sees red flags and other inconsistencies in a dubious financial product created by his group, but ignores his instincts, and approves the scheme.

3. Irrigating An Ear Canal - When a senior executive finally 'hears' that he can no longer get away with or sustain the fiction that a financial product has any worth.

4. Lasering Off A Tattoo - This has two meanings: 1. When a brokerage realizes that the name of the firm has been discredited to the point where it must be changed. 2. When the board of directors can no longer afford to employ the founder's incompetent eldest son.

5. Using Depilatory - Dismissing an entire department of traders and brokers who can be easily blamed for the risky products and slack moral scruples that has give the company a bad name.

6. Taking A Shave - Less financially damaging than "Taking A Haircut", it involves dumping toxic assets onto the taxpayers while grudgingly accepting handouts from the Federal Government.

7. Getting A Nipple Pierced - An executive 'losing' the year-end bonus, only to have it included as part of his base-pay contract later on, often producing 'crocodile' tears when confronted with the fact by an outraged public.

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WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION - PT.3

Dear Readers,

As anybody who's ever been to London, England knows, there are three things you must see - Madame Tussaud's Waxworks, the Pigeons in Trafalgar Square and The Cavern Club, where The Beatles played once (I still can't find this London landmark, in spite of 12 trips to England - maybe it's been torn down). And now, as a result of my 10-day world tour this past summer, I can now add a fourth - The London Eye.

Believe it or not, there's this huge amusement park right in downtown London - with only one ride! But what a ride! The London Eye is the world's largest Ferris Wheel and to ride it will give you memories that will last several lunchtimes. It's pricey - $450.00 US - but you get your own, individual gondola, with a mini-bar, satellite TV and a full en suite toilet and bath. The 'round' (get it?) trip I took lasted a full eight hours (causing me to miss my tour bus visit to The Leering Tower of Pisa) but it was well worth it. Only a couple of glitches that I would fix if it were my ride - one, the gondolas ( or cars, as we call them in the USA) don't swing freely on their supports, so you're upside down quite a lot, and two - the glass in the gondolas are kind of smeary -probably from all the vomit ( I blame the English food more than being upside down half the time) - which resulted in all my London Eye photos being a bit blurry, like the one displayed here (It was the best of the bunch). But London is really a beautiful town, especially at night, and if you get tired of the scenery after a few hours of riding on The Eye, just buckle yourself snugly into your seat, turn on the telly, pop open a can of warm lager, and try and figure out what in the world a Cricket Match is supposed to be.

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WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION - PT.2

Dear Readers,

Back at you with another snap (I just printed it from the drugstore photo kiosk) documenting my fancy 10-day world tour.

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time at events where comestibles are being served, especially when you're in a foreign country (what are the rules?, etc.). Large parties, especially, are minefields for me because I'm not all that good at eating and drinking sitting down, let alone being forced to do these things on your feet. So, with that established, let me tell you how this extraordinary picture came to be. I was walking around in downtown Prague Czech Republic during our 6-hour layover there, and I just happened to bump into a woman who's missing parakeet I had found for her back in 2002 ( in my capacity as a Senior Partner In A Private Investigation Agency). We stood and texted each other for a while and then she mentioned she was going to a reception at the American Embassy in honor of the Czech Prime Minister and would I like to come along? I said OK. Well, to cut a long story short, when I got there, I made straight for the buffet and piled my plate high with Vienna Sausages, Olive Loaf roll-ups and Cheese Doodles. Just as I turned around to look for a seat (yeah, right - there were 500 people there and 3 sofas!), a waiter in Uncle Sam livery offered me a glass of champagne, so I took one. Now it's very hard to balance all this while also trying to take pictures of all the glamour and glitz, and worse still, when you accidentally find yourself in the reception line to meet the PM ( I thought it was the line to get trays)! Needless to say, as hands were thrust at me by the array of dignitaries, something had to give, and my camera fell to the floor just as I was taking a picture of the Croatian Ambassador's wife, whom I recognized from one of my job-related stakeouts at the Washington Hilton a couple of years ago. It was instinct, you know? The visit was not a total loss, though, as I was able to secure an assignment from the deputy Prime Minister's sister - to find her pet turtle, Ric.

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WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION - PT. 1

Dear Readers,

As you all know, this blog is not about me, per se, but I'm delighted to share with all of you not only my opinions, but carefully screened and edited tidbits about my personal life in an effort to persuade you that there is an actual person behind all this frivolity. To further that goal, I will, from time to time, share with you some of my professional-quality photos taken while on vacation, on assignment or in connection with my day job, which is senior partner in a Private Detective Agency, specializing in marital disputes and lost pets (only those whose largest dimension is 5"). Like many of you, I took time off this summer to indulge my love of travel. I signed up for a 10-day package tour which took me to England, France, Germany, Czechoslovakia, Croatia, China, Nepal, Sri Lanka, The Cayman Islands, Sicily, Crete, China, Austrailia, Hong Kong and Midway Island. Before leaving home, I purchased a brand new camera and took some pictures which I will be sharing with you as summer turns to fall (... and fall turns to winter, etc...). This first one, displayed above, was taken just outside a gift shop near the Great Wall Of China. Just as I was taking this snap, two humorless policemen grabbed me and took me into custody just because I made a joke about a souvenir I had just bought as 'probably made in China, like everything else'. I was released after only 3 days, but I missed my tour stops in North Korea, Iran and Zimbabwe. Probably just as well, I think, as I am such a indefatigable kidder.

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MORE JOBS FOR APPLE

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, the tiny, California-based computer company, Apples, announced a slew of new products, upgrades and other stuff at a multi-media stage show, held for the press at the Best Western's Tammy Wynette Auditorium in El Segundo. After battling for 45 minutes to get past a small wildfire in the parking lot, reporters were stunned to see Apples' CEO, Steve Jobs sitting on the auditorium's tiny stage, all by himself. Not only was it a surprise to see the ailing executive still alive and well after his latest series of health scares, but it was a bit of a shock watching him trying to prise open one of his fancy i-Pods with a butter knife. Eventually, Jobs rose unsteadily to his feet and began the presentation. The event had a dual purpose; to show the media that the plucky Apples frontman was back in charge, and to demonstrate many of the new items ready to hit the market this fall. Sure, there was the usual stuff, like new i-Pods (the one with the retractable toothpick was our personal favorite) and i-this-and-that, blah-blah-blah, but the star of the rollout was Apples' new line of Replacement Human Parts, or i-Organs.

Yes, those clever west-coast boffins have presented to the world the best hope yet of extended life with products such as the i-Spleen, the i-Kidney, the i-Eye, and, perhaps most crucially, the i-Liver. Mr. Jobs took it upon himself to field-test the i-Liver (seeing as he needed a new one anyway), and showed us the scar, still sealed up with a row of i-Stitches. Jobs commented that the new i-Liver was working fine and that he had opted for the one with 160GB of memory (the middle option, it seems) seeing as he doesn't drink or do drugs. He did mention that for an additional $99.95, you could have the 320GB model, which was recommended for 'social' drinkers and people who relied heavily on Tylenol.( The entry-level 80GB i-Liver Shuffle is adequate for abstainers, but has to do double duty as the i-Appendix.) The thin-but-recovering CEO also predicted that his engineers would soon perfect a 1-Terabyte model of the i-Liver which he said would be suitible for the aging rockstar, David Crosby.

All in all, it was an impressive comeback for Jobs, and as he was wheeled away on Apples' i-Handcart, he confirmed that the new line of i-Organs would not be compatable with Microsoft's founder, Bill Gates.

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HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN?

Dear Readers,

Ringo must need money again. In a couple of days, the people who do these sort of things will release a new video game, The Beatles Rock Band. This so-called game will join the other video shoot-em-up extravaganzas on the market, and you or your children will be able to fire bullets, rockets and missiles at The Beatles (or at least some lame animation of them) on your computer (or TV, if you have Wii). We here at Tea With S.B think this is kind of tasteless, as one of the Fab Four, John Lennon, was actually shot and killed once.

Our staff, mainly consisting of younger-type men and women (and one we're not sure of), are not against these arcade-style shooting games in principle, but this is a step too far. Why on earth would someone pay $699.95 for a game where the object is to blast the beejesus out of the lovable Liverpudlian Moptops? But there they will be, up on your screen, frolicking through the musical numbers featured in such movies as A Hard Day's Night, Help!, Yellow Submarine and Apocalypse Now while you and little Elmo and Sally aim lethal salvos at the helpless foursome. Is this any way to honor their memory? What possible thrill is there to picking off Paul McCarthy as his badly-rendered android sings I'm Down at a 3-D re-creation of the famous concert at Flushing's Shea Butter Stadium? How many points do you get for that?

Shame on you, Yorko Ono, for allowing such a violent product to hit the market. John would be spinning in his grave... err... if he hadn't already been cremated. One can only hope that this will sell only well enough to put Ringo Starkley's finances back into the black, and not a Euro more. If you must have shoot-'em-up arcade games featuring rock stars, why not use ABBA, or The Jonas Brothers? Use bands that people would love to blast away at, not the greatest band of all time. So, just Wait before you rush out and buy this travesty. Think For Yourself and say "Tell Me Why must I have this game" to it's creators. Say to them "You Can't Do That to The Beatles", and if they offer the game to you at some incredible discount, Run For Your Life. I've Got A Feeling that you will come to your senses, and the peddlers of this filth will cry "You Never Give Me Your Money". Remember, you really don't need this junk, All You Need Is Love.

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THIS GOLDEN CENTURY

Dear Readers,

Welcome to Tea With S.B.'s 100th blog post. For those of you who have somehow missed the other 99, I can only say that the staff here at TWSB are thrilled and delighted to have been so influential in the magical world of the Internet - and in the real world, too.

Much has changed in the world since the very first TWSB post, but let us recount some of the highlights: The bloody conflict in Scandinavia has come to an end, and a solid peace prevails amongst the Nordic countries. Raspberry Vinaigrette has been made illegal in a further 5 states, bringing the total to 33 that have banned the once-ubiquitous salad dressing choice. The Cayman Islands have still failed to develop nuclear weapons, and a promising new vaccine has been developed for the 'squirts'. Ricky Martin recordings are still embargoed, despite pressure from the EU, The Mormons and Vice President Joe Biden. In Alaska, Sarah Brightman is no longer Governor, and in California, Jean-Claude Van Damm still is. Paula Abdul has replaced Katie Couric as the anchor of the CBS Evening News, and Who Let The Dogs Out has replaced The Star Spangled Banner as the US National Anthem.

Coincidence? You do the math. All we can promise is that Tea With S.B. will continue to be the Internet touchstone of truth for at least the next 100 blog posts, and that's a promise.

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THE MYTH AMERICA PAGEANT

SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT HEALTH CARE REFORM

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1. All privately-held aspirin will be confiscated by the Federal Government. -

This is a lie. The proposed bill only confiscates generic aspirin - and only aspirin past it's sell-by date.

2. Surgeons will all have to 'clock out' at the end of their shifts - even if they're caught in the middle of an operation. - Wrong. A surgeon in the middle of an operation may apply for overtime - average wait expected to be about 48 hours for federal government approval.

3. All Dentists will be ordered to quit practicing dentistry, in order to bring the US healthcare program in line with the one in Britain, where there are no dentists. - Utter nonsense. US dentists won't have to quit practicing dentistry entirely, they will be allowed to convert to dog & cat dentistry.

4. Doctors will have to see three patients at a time - in the same examination room. Rubbish. They'll only have to see two patients at a time in the same examination room.

5. If you are in a serious vehicular accident, and need immediate medical attention, you can only been seen by your own doctor - during regular office hours. Patently untrue. In the House version of the bill, if your doctor is unavailable, any member of the doctor's family over the age of twelve can see you.

6. In an attempt to provide equal coverage for the sexes, all males will be forced to see a gynecologist three times a year. - Absurd. Only males of childbearing age will be required to do so.

7. Should you live long enough to qualify for Medicare, you will have to prove that you've won a gold medal in a track & field event in order to be covered. -

According to administration spokespersons, this clause has been compromised so that you only need to have won a bronze medal.

Source: The 2009 Book Of Don't-Confuse-Me-With-The-Facts.

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