CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE

HAIRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BAKED LOST SYMBOL

by J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown

1,847pp - USGov Press $24.95

When he took office in January, President Obama took one look at the financial ledgers of the country and fainted. When he regained consciousness, he put into motion a scheme to try and save the country from ruin. That was the origin of the Stimulus Plan, and one of the lesser known ideas he proposed involved the world of publishing. Obama, himself a best-selling author, placed calls to two of the most successful writers in history, J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown. Between them, they owned 46% of the entire world's wealth, so, naturally, the President asked them if they could spare a little money to help get the country out of a dire situation. Both said no, but offered up a substitute - they would write a new book together and hand it over to the Government for publication. In addition, they would take no fees or royalties, thus giving the US Treasury a revenue stream that would easily surpass what was collected in income tax. The result is Hairy Potter And The Half-Baked Lost Symbol. It's an odd book- the story splits it's time between Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and a Masonic Lodge in Racine, Wisconsin- but ultimately satisfying. The plot revolves around a bowling tournament in Racine, where Hairy, Ron and Hermaphodite go up against a team of Katherine Solomon, Robert Langdon and the evil Lord Moldyvort. Strangely, the bowling alley where the contest is being held is run by The Pope, and the pin-setter is the loyal and demented cypher, Pa'Lin, who is suspected of running a secret society in the basement of the nearby Moose Lodge. Dark doings and paranoiac panoramas are endemic throughout the story, and confusingly, long stretches of the book are in Parseltongue (the language of snakes), which only Hairy Potter can understand. This is a major flaw in the book, since many chapters consist of the other main characters whispering 'what did he say?' to each other, which tends to slow down the pace rather seriously. Otherwise, it's a very good, events-driven page-turner, and overcomes some doubtful plot twists, like the one where a relationship develops between Albus Dumblebore, Ron Weasley and Katherine Solomon, which results in a pregnancy. (The child quickly grows up, becoming the head of a worldwide kegler's organization that saves the world from evil). In a swift series of events near the end of the book, the bowling alley burns down, killing Pa'Lin and Lord Moldyvort while also destroying the Lost Symbol of the title, which turned out to be only an amateurish engraving on the back of a frisbee of an experimental shoe guaranteed to add 5 points to a bowler's average that was designed by a sinister podiatrist working on a freelance basis for the Professional Bowling Association's Annual Dinner and Dance committee. OOPS! Spoiler Alert.

It may not be the strongest book from either of these fine authors, but the gift of their talent to help balance the budget of the United States is incalculable. The Government Publishing Office is so confident that the book will sell in the trillions that they have ordered every tree in the state of South Carolina to be cut down and pulped, in order to satisfy the expected demand that will keep the printers working 3 shifts for years to come. (For the record, President Obama has stated that the surprise choice of South Carolina (it originally was to be Alaska) to de-forest has nothing to do with the fact that South Carolina voted for McCain in 2008, or that the state's right wing hick-congressman Joe Wilson 'dissed' him in front of a national audience last week.) So, do your duty for your country and enjoy Hairy Potter And The Half-Baked Lost Symbol - easily the most stimulating part of this year's stimulus plan. A Tea With SB must-buy.