MORE JOBS FOR APPLE

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, the tiny, California-based computer company, Apples, announced a slew of new products, upgrades and other stuff at a multi-media stage show, held for the press at the Best Western's Tammy Wynette Auditorium in El Segundo. After battling for 45 minutes to get past a small wildfire in the parking lot, reporters were stunned to see Apples' CEO, Steve Jobs sitting on the auditorium's tiny stage, all by himself. Not only was it a surprise to see the ailing executive still alive and well after his latest series of health scares, but it was a bit of a shock watching him trying to prise open one of his fancy i-Pods with a butter knife. Eventually, Jobs rose unsteadily to his feet and began the presentation. The event had a dual purpose; to show the media that the plucky Apples frontman was back in charge, and to demonstrate many of the new items ready to hit the market this fall. Sure, there was the usual stuff, like new i-Pods (the one with the retractable toothpick was our personal favorite) and i-this-and-that, blah-blah-blah, but the star of the rollout was Apples' new line of Replacement Human Parts, or i-Organs.

Yes, those clever west-coast boffins have presented to the world the best hope yet of extended life with products such as the i-Spleen, the i-Kidney, the i-Eye, and, perhaps most crucially, the i-Liver. Mr. Jobs took it upon himself to field-test the i-Liver (seeing as he needed a new one anyway), and showed us the scar, still sealed up with a row of i-Stitches. Jobs commented that the new i-Liver was working fine and that he had opted for the one with 160GB of memory (the middle option, it seems) seeing as he doesn't drink or do drugs. He did mention that for an additional $99.95, you could have the 320GB model, which was recommended for 'social' drinkers and people who relied heavily on Tylenol.( The entry-level 80GB i-Liver Shuffle is adequate for abstainers, but has to do double duty as the i-Appendix.) The thin-but-recovering CEO also predicted that his engineers would soon perfect a 1-Terabyte model of the i-Liver which he said would be suitible for the aging rockstar, David Crosby.

All in all, it was an impressive comeback for Jobs, and as he was wheeled away on Apples' i-Handcart, he confirmed that the new line of i-Organs would not be compatable with Microsoft's founder, Bill Gates.