JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS

Dear Readers,

We're in luck! former Alaskan Governatrix Sarah Palin's memoirs will be published on November 17th!

Since her departure from the national stage this past summer, politics has gotten completely out of hand and the Republican Party has become rudderless, so it's hoped that words from our Sarah will be a steadying influence on the national debate - so needed in these complicated times.

Eschewing a ghostwriter, Palin supposedly wrote all the words in the book herself, relying only on spellcheck for assistance. Crayons will NOT be included.

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CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE

HAIRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BAKED LOST SYMBOL

by J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown

1,847pp - USGov Press $24.95

When he took office in January, President Obama took one look at the financial ledgers of the country and fainted. When he regained consciousness, he put into motion a scheme to try and save the country from ruin. That was the origin of the Stimulus Plan, and one of the lesser known ideas he proposed involved the world of publishing. Obama, himself a best-selling author, placed calls to two of the most successful writers in history, J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown. Between them, they owned 46% of the entire world's wealth, so, naturally, the President asked them if they could spare a little money to help get the country out of a dire situation. Both said no, but offered up a substitute - they would write a new book together and hand it over to the Government for publication. In addition, they would take no fees or royalties, thus giving the US Treasury a revenue stream that would easily surpass what was collected in income tax. The result is Hairy Potter And The Half-Baked Lost Symbol. It's an odd book- the story splits it's time between Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and a Masonic Lodge in Racine, Wisconsin- but ultimately satisfying. The plot revolves around a bowling tournament in Racine, where Hairy, Ron and Hermaphodite go up against a team of Katherine Solomon, Robert Langdon and the evil Lord Moldyvort. Strangely, the bowling alley where the contest is being held is run by The Pope, and the pin-setter is the loyal and demented cypher, Pa'Lin, who is suspected of running a secret society in the basement of the nearby Moose Lodge. Dark doings and paranoiac panoramas are endemic throughout the story, and confusingly, long stretches of the book are in Parseltongue (the language of snakes), which only Hairy Potter can understand. This is a major flaw in the book, since many chapters consist of the other main characters whispering 'what did he say?' to each other, which tends to slow down the pace rather seriously. Otherwise, it's a very good, events-driven page-turner, and overcomes some doubtful plot twists, like the one where a relationship develops between Albus Dumblebore, Ron Weasley and Katherine Solomon, which results in a pregnancy. (The child quickly grows up, becoming the head of a worldwide kegler's organization that saves the world from evil). In a swift series of events near the end of the book, the bowling alley burns down, killing Pa'Lin and Lord Moldyvort while also destroying the Lost Symbol of the title, which turned out to be only an amateurish engraving on the back of a frisbee of an experimental shoe guaranteed to add 5 points to a bowler's average that was designed by a sinister podiatrist working on a freelance basis for the Professional Bowling Association's Annual Dinner and Dance committee. OOPS! Spoiler Alert.

It may not be the strongest book from either of these fine authors, but the gift of their talent to help balance the budget of the United States is incalculable. The Government Publishing Office is so confident that the book will sell in the trillions that they have ordered every tree in the state of South Carolina to be cut down and pulped, in order to satisfy the expected demand that will keep the printers working 3 shifts for years to come. (For the record, President Obama has stated that the surprise choice of South Carolina (it originally was to be Alaska) to de-forest has nothing to do with the fact that South Carolina voted for McCain in 2008, or that the state's right wing hick-congressman Joe Wilson 'dissed' him in front of a national audience last week.) So, do your duty for your country and enjoy Hairy Potter And The Half-Baked Lost Symbol - easily the most stimulating part of this year's stimulus plan. A Tea With SB must-buy.

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THE MOUTH OF THE SOUTH

Dear Readers,

In a historic vote the other day, the U.S. House Of Representatives voted 778-197 to tell Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) to shut his stupid pie hole. The vote was a bit of a surprise, since there are only 435 members of the house, but it's rumored that some may have voted twice to censure the hick-state loudmouth. Yet, the whole controversy - when Rep. Wilson shouted "You Lie" at President Obama as he was giving a speech to the Congress on health care - is a result of a colossal misunderstanding.

A few days before the unfortunate incident, a reporter asked President Obama what book he was reading these days. Obama, always open and friendly to nosy reporters, answered that he had just finished H.G. Wells' War Of The Worlds and quipped that "If this country had had a decent health care system in place, the Martian aliens might have been able to get treatment for their inability to tolerate earth germs, and in spite of their illegal invasion of this planet, we might have saved them and gone on together to build a more peaceful and prosperous universe". Well, the humorless reporter took the President seriously and wrote that Obama was proposing health care for illegal aliens as part of his reform package, and the rest is history. Wilson, no fan of The President or H.G. Wells, read this bogus story, then went on to commit his faux pas by rudely interrupting (and waking up several dozing lawmakers) the President as Obama got to the point in his speech where he declared that no illegal aliens would be covered by the proposed Federal plan.

Washington D.C. acted as if it were shocked by the outburst, but a quick check of the history books shows us that this kind of interruption of Presidential addresses to Congress is far from rare. In an age before TV, lawmakers often broke into important speeches with insults and remarks. In 1929, President Herbert Hoover was droning on at Congress when Senator Marvin 'Peanuts' Anchovy (D-Ohio) shouted "Eat Me" as the hapless President came to a passage in his speech debunking the rumor that he was giving prime farmland in Nebraska to a group of bi-polar yak herders. Representative L. Gruber Kissingbottom (R-Wisconsin) was ejected from the well of the House during a 1946 speech by President Hairy Truman when he let out a 32-second belch that reeked of Limburger Cheese, momentarily distracting the bespectacled former haberdasher as he came to a critical point in his speech regarding the sale of Carpenter Ants to Yugoslavia. Even today, leaders of other great democracies suffer from a certain amount of incivility when attempting to address serious issues. In Britain, for example, President Gordon Ramsay must endure taunts, jeers and a shower of spitballs as he attempts to speak during the weekly Prime Minister's question time - plus, by tradition, he must deliver his remarks in the nude.

So, we don't need to overreact to the Tourrette's-like utterance of one dimwitted congressperson, we're a lot tougher than that, aren't we? The censure by his fellow legislators - plus the severe physical beating administered to Rep. Wilson in the House steam-room by disgusted Democrats and Republicans - ought to be enough punishment.

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WORDS ON "THE STREET"

Dear Readers,

One year on from the collapse of Lehman Brothers and we're all a lot sadder and wiser about the economy. Some of us are also a lot more familiar with the insider lingo of the brokers and traders who, like workers in every specialized field of endeavor, have their own unique phrases and shorthand. To me, one of the most interesting ones out of Wall Street was "Taking A Haircut", which seems to have two meanings - 1. The difference between prices at which a market maker can buy and sell a security, and 2. The percentage by which an asset's market value is reduced for the purpose of calculating capital requirement, margin and collateral levels. Even though I've heard that one a lot this past year, I'm still not exactly sure what it means, in spite of the explanation proffered here. So I wondered if there were any other Wall Street-type expressions using references to personal grooming that might be shorthand for the unexplainable, and -yes there are. And here are a few that I've discovered over the last several months:

1. Cleaning Out Belly-Button Lint - The shredding or otherwise destroying damning or compromising documents that might cause problems with a pending SEC investigation.

2. Putting On False Eyelashes - When a senior-level executive sees red flags and other inconsistencies in a dubious financial product created by his group, but ignores his instincts, and approves the scheme.

3. Irrigating An Ear Canal - When a senior executive finally 'hears' that he can no longer get away with or sustain the fiction that a financial product has any worth.

4. Lasering Off A Tattoo - This has two meanings: 1. When a brokerage realizes that the name of the firm has been discredited to the point where it must be changed. 2. When the board of directors can no longer afford to employ the founder's incompetent eldest son.

5. Using Depilatory - Dismissing an entire department of traders and brokers who can be easily blamed for the risky products and slack moral scruples that has give the company a bad name.

6. Taking A Shave - Less financially damaging than "Taking A Haircut", it involves dumping toxic assets onto the taxpayers while grudgingly accepting handouts from the Federal Government.

7. Getting A Nipple Pierced - An executive 'losing' the year-end bonus, only to have it included as part of his base-pay contract later on, often producing 'crocodile' tears when confronted with the fact by an outraged public.

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WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION - PT.3

Dear Readers,

As anybody who's ever been to London, England knows, there are three things you must see - Madame Tussaud's Waxworks, the Pigeons in Trafalgar Square and The Cavern Club, where The Beatles played once (I still can't find this London landmark, in spite of 12 trips to England - maybe it's been torn down). And now, as a result of my 10-day world tour this past summer, I can now add a fourth - The London Eye.

Believe it or not, there's this huge amusement park right in downtown London - with only one ride! But what a ride! The London Eye is the world's largest Ferris Wheel and to ride it will give you memories that will last several lunchtimes. It's pricey - $450.00 US - but you get your own, individual gondola, with a mini-bar, satellite TV and a full en suite toilet and bath. The 'round' (get it?) trip I took lasted a full eight hours (causing me to miss my tour bus visit to The Leering Tower of Pisa) but it was well worth it. Only a couple of glitches that I would fix if it were my ride - one, the gondolas ( or cars, as we call them in the USA) don't swing freely on their supports, so you're upside down quite a lot, and two - the glass in the gondolas are kind of smeary -probably from all the vomit ( I blame the English food more than being upside down half the time) - which resulted in all my London Eye photos being a bit blurry, like the one displayed here (It was the best of the bunch). But London is really a beautiful town, especially at night, and if you get tired of the scenery after a few hours of riding on The Eye, just buckle yourself snugly into your seat, turn on the telly, pop open a can of warm lager, and try and figure out what in the world a Cricket Match is supposed to be.

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WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION - PT.2

Dear Readers,

Back at you with another snap (I just printed it from the drugstore photo kiosk) documenting my fancy 10-day world tour.

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time at events where comestibles are being served, especially when you're in a foreign country (what are the rules?, etc.). Large parties, especially, are minefields for me because I'm not all that good at eating and drinking sitting down, let alone being forced to do these things on your feet. So, with that established, let me tell you how this extraordinary picture came to be. I was walking around in downtown Prague Czech Republic during our 6-hour layover there, and I just happened to bump into a woman who's missing parakeet I had found for her back in 2002 ( in my capacity as a Senior Partner In A Private Investigation Agency). We stood and texted each other for a while and then she mentioned she was going to a reception at the American Embassy in honor of the Czech Prime Minister and would I like to come along? I said OK. Well, to cut a long story short, when I got there, I made straight for the buffet and piled my plate high with Vienna Sausages, Olive Loaf roll-ups and Cheese Doodles. Just as I turned around to look for a seat (yeah, right - there were 500 people there and 3 sofas!), a waiter in Uncle Sam livery offered me a glass of champagne, so I took one. Now it's very hard to balance all this while also trying to take pictures of all the glamour and glitz, and worse still, when you accidentally find yourself in the reception line to meet the PM ( I thought it was the line to get trays)! Needless to say, as hands were thrust at me by the array of dignitaries, something had to give, and my camera fell to the floor just as I was taking a picture of the Croatian Ambassador's wife, whom I recognized from one of my job-related stakeouts at the Washington Hilton a couple of years ago. It was instinct, you know? The visit was not a total loss, though, as I was able to secure an assignment from the deputy Prime Minister's sister - to find her pet turtle, Ric.

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WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION - PT. 1

Dear Readers,

As you all know, this blog is not about me, per se, but I'm delighted to share with all of you not only my opinions, but carefully screened and edited tidbits about my personal life in an effort to persuade you that there is an actual person behind all this frivolity. To further that goal, I will, from time to time, share with you some of my professional-quality photos taken while on vacation, on assignment or in connection with my day job, which is senior partner in a Private Detective Agency, specializing in marital disputes and lost pets (only those whose largest dimension is 5"). Like many of you, I took time off this summer to indulge my love of travel. I signed up for a 10-day package tour which took me to England, France, Germany, Czechoslovakia, Croatia, China, Nepal, Sri Lanka, The Cayman Islands, Sicily, Crete, China, Austrailia, Hong Kong and Midway Island. Before leaving home, I purchased a brand new camera and took some pictures which I will be sharing with you as summer turns to fall (... and fall turns to winter, etc...). This first one, displayed above, was taken just outside a gift shop near the Great Wall Of China. Just as I was taking this snap, two humorless policemen grabbed me and took me into custody just because I made a joke about a souvenir I had just bought as 'probably made in China, like everything else'. I was released after only 3 days, but I missed my tour stops in North Korea, Iran and Zimbabwe. Probably just as well, I think, as I am such a indefatigable kidder.

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MORE JOBS FOR APPLE

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, the tiny, California-based computer company, Apples, announced a slew of new products, upgrades and other stuff at a multi-media stage show, held for the press at the Best Western's Tammy Wynette Auditorium in El Segundo. After battling for 45 minutes to get past a small wildfire in the parking lot, reporters were stunned to see Apples' CEO, Steve Jobs sitting on the auditorium's tiny stage, all by himself. Not only was it a surprise to see the ailing executive still alive and well after his latest series of health scares, but it was a bit of a shock watching him trying to prise open one of his fancy i-Pods with a butter knife. Eventually, Jobs rose unsteadily to his feet and began the presentation. The event had a dual purpose; to show the media that the plucky Apples frontman was back in charge, and to demonstrate many of the new items ready to hit the market this fall. Sure, there was the usual stuff, like new i-Pods (the one with the retractable toothpick was our personal favorite) and i-this-and-that, blah-blah-blah, but the star of the rollout was Apples' new line of Replacement Human Parts, or i-Organs.

Yes, those clever west-coast boffins have presented to the world the best hope yet of extended life with products such as the i-Spleen, the i-Kidney, the i-Eye, and, perhaps most crucially, the i-Liver. Mr. Jobs took it upon himself to field-test the i-Liver (seeing as he needed a new one anyway), and showed us the scar, still sealed up with a row of i-Stitches. Jobs commented that the new i-Liver was working fine and that he had opted for the one with 160GB of memory (the middle option, it seems) seeing as he doesn't drink or do drugs. He did mention that for an additional $99.95, you could have the 320GB model, which was recommended for 'social' drinkers and people who relied heavily on Tylenol.( The entry-level 80GB i-Liver Shuffle is adequate for abstainers, but has to do double duty as the i-Appendix.) The thin-but-recovering CEO also predicted that his engineers would soon perfect a 1-Terabyte model of the i-Liver which he said would be suitible for the aging rockstar, David Crosby.

All in all, it was an impressive comeback for Jobs, and as he was wheeled away on Apples' i-Handcart, he confirmed that the new line of i-Organs would not be compatable with Microsoft's founder, Bill Gates.

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HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN?

Dear Readers,

Ringo must need money again. In a couple of days, the people who do these sort of things will release a new video game, The Beatles Rock Band. This so-called game will join the other video shoot-em-up extravaganzas on the market, and you or your children will be able to fire bullets, rockets and missiles at The Beatles (or at least some lame animation of them) on your computer (or TV, if you have Wii). We here at Tea With S.B think this is kind of tasteless, as one of the Fab Four, John Lennon, was actually shot and killed once.

Our staff, mainly consisting of younger-type men and women (and one we're not sure of), are not against these arcade-style shooting games in principle, but this is a step too far. Why on earth would someone pay $699.95 for a game where the object is to blast the beejesus out of the lovable Liverpudlian Moptops? But there they will be, up on your screen, frolicking through the musical numbers featured in such movies as A Hard Day's Night, Help!, Yellow Submarine and Apocalypse Now while you and little Elmo and Sally aim lethal salvos at the helpless foursome. Is this any way to honor their memory? What possible thrill is there to picking off Paul McCarthy as his badly-rendered android sings I'm Down at a 3-D re-creation of the famous concert at Flushing's Shea Butter Stadium? How many points do you get for that?

Shame on you, Yorko Ono, for allowing such a violent product to hit the market. John would be spinning in his grave... err... if he hadn't already been cremated. One can only hope that this will sell only well enough to put Ringo Starkley's finances back into the black, and not a Euro more. If you must have shoot-'em-up arcade games featuring rock stars, why not use ABBA, or The Jonas Brothers? Use bands that people would love to blast away at, not the greatest band of all time. So, just Wait before you rush out and buy this travesty. Think For Yourself and say "Tell Me Why must I have this game" to it's creators. Say to them "You Can't Do That to The Beatles", and if they offer the game to you at some incredible discount, Run For Your Life. I've Got A Feeling that you will come to your senses, and the peddlers of this filth will cry "You Never Give Me Your Money". Remember, you really don't need this junk, All You Need Is Love.

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THIS GOLDEN CENTURY

Dear Readers,

Welcome to Tea With S.B.'s 100th blog post. For those of you who have somehow missed the other 99, I can only say that the staff here at TWSB are thrilled and delighted to have been so influential in the magical world of the Internet - and in the real world, too.

Much has changed in the world since the very first TWSB post, but let us recount some of the highlights: The bloody conflict in Scandinavia has come to an end, and a solid peace prevails amongst the Nordic countries. Raspberry Vinaigrette has been made illegal in a further 5 states, bringing the total to 33 that have banned the once-ubiquitous salad dressing choice. The Cayman Islands have still failed to develop nuclear weapons, and a promising new vaccine has been developed for the 'squirts'. Ricky Martin recordings are still embargoed, despite pressure from the EU, The Mormons and Vice President Joe Biden. In Alaska, Sarah Brightman is no longer Governor, and in California, Jean-Claude Van Damm still is. Paula Abdul has replaced Katie Couric as the anchor of the CBS Evening News, and Who Let The Dogs Out has replaced The Star Spangled Banner as the US National Anthem.

Coincidence? You do the math. All we can promise is that Tea With S.B. will continue to be the Internet touchstone of truth for at least the next 100 blog posts, and that's a promise.

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