WHAT'S THE DEAL, MR. ECONOMY?

Dear Readers,
I think it was the French philosopher, Marcel Marceau, who, in one of his famous comedy monologues, coined the phrase "Monsieur Economy, 'ee eez ze dismal science". Wise words, Mr. Marceau, as it looks like the economy is very, very dismal these days, indeed.
I did not study economy - not even English Lit - but even I can see how messed up these fancy banks and brokerages have become. But to blame the global economic disarray on a few deadbeats who missed a mortgage payment or two is ludicrous. Clearly, the blame goes to the excessive lifestyles of the heads of these companies - Mr. Bear Stearns, Mr. Goldman Sachs, Mr. Morgan Stanley, Ms. Fannie Mae and the worst of them all, Mr. Monopoly.
Those of you who have never been to New York like I have (nyah-nyah)probably don't know that a newspaper costs $25, a cup of morning latte costs $75 and a taxi ride can run into the hundreds- depending on how many blocks you go (plus, you have to chip in for the gas). It's all the fault of the free-spending moguls who throw money around like it's snot.
Washington only makes things worse by bailing out these profligates by giving the money barons $700 billion dollars each so they don't have to give up their Christmas bonuses. Governor John Wayne McCain offers an even worse plan, to give every American $52.8 billion dollars and pay their mortgages in full, (even Mudonna's and Brad Pipps') which I think is a misguided plan, probably hatched by his airhead running mate, Sen. Sarah Brightman.
Where is the government going to get this money? Zimbabwe? Over there, inflation is so bad that a single sheet of toilet paper costs $100 trillion-billion dollars. (You may as well just use the banknotes themselves!)Oh! How the mighty dollar has fallen!
No, the only answer is to print more money, a bad idea that the government has clearly borrowed from one of the villains of the piece, Mr.Monopoly. Monopoly has been printing money for decades in a cavalier manner that has virtually destroyed the American economy by having too many dollars chasing too few women. Like Zimbabwe's money, it takes billions of Mr. Monopoly's tainted dollars to buy just one peanut, and does he care?
Some say President Gordon Ramsay of the Little Britons has a better solution. He wants to buy up all the banks, railroads and utilities in England and put hotels on them so he can charge more rent. But he's using worthless foreign money(try and buy something with a europound at your local Target and see what happens) to do it, and that doesn't count here in America, so we're back to square one.
I hope the US government takes this bit of my advice: when they print up that $700 zillion dollars to give to those 5 or 6 people who have created all this trouble, instead of George Washington's picture on the notes, they should use a recent image of washed-up actor and plastic surgery freak Mickey Rourke instead, making it weird and unfashionable to keep such a hideous image in your wallet. Spend that, Mr. Stearns.
Well, I think I hear a very noisy kettle boiling away in a rural Sri Lankan igloo, and even in a crummy rain forest, it's 4'o clock and time for some tea.