STOP BY A LANGUAGE COP

Guest Column by Sgt. Abelard Z. Webster, US Language Patrol

Can I see your license? Did you know you were using the English Language in an extremely careless way? My problem with you people today is the way you use the word 'gentleman'. Do you have any idea of what you are doing?
For instance, how many times have I heard, on TV or radio, an eyewitness to some bank robbery or some other horrific crime, talking to a reporter saying "well, the gentleman pulled out a gun and shot the teller between the eyes". Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds? The dictionary that I keep in my back pocket describes 'gentleman' thusly: 1. "A man of gentle or noble birth or superior social position" 2. " A well-mannered and considerate man with high standards of proper behavior". Does that describe any perp you can think of? In my whole history of tracking down language abusers, I can only think of one lawbreaker that might fit those descriptions: The Scarlet Pimpernel, and I think that guy was made up.
When, will we ever stop describing the guy who just killed his entire family as 'the gentleman who is accused of the crime'? I must admit, even many of my fellow brothers and sisters in law enforcement will describe the suspect in a terrorist arson as the gentleman in custody. Oh dear, how one does cringe.
I can't do anything about my superiors, but while I have you pulled over, I ought to put you in mouthcuffs, but I'll let you off with a warning this time. Just promise me if you are ever interviewed by anybody about some stabbing or abduction or drive-by shooting that you will restrain yourself from describing the miscreant as a gentleman. Use any of the following descriptions when describing, say, the unknown bank-robber : the thug, the cretin, the nasty man, the bad guy, the twinkie-eating creep, Mr. Stinky, the brute, that Republican, my ex-husband, the commie, the criminal mastermind, that Wall Street Stockbroker, the poop-for-brains, the Little Elvis, the putz, the anti-socialist, the Captain Kangaroo, the silly-billy, the loser, the naughty, naughty boy or the green booger - but pleeeeeezzzeee, NOT 'Gentleman'! Almost anything else will do.
Well, take care now, and think a little before you speak.

Tea With S.B. prints guest columns from time to time but the views expressed are not necessarily the viewpoints of this blog...err...except for this one.