A BRILLIANT IDEA

Dear Readers,
As I continue to observe the U.S. economy skidding out of control like a drunken skier, the Alice-In-Wonderland qualities of the 'rescue' and 'bailout' priorities continue to amaze me. While Wall Street gets piles of cash with no strings attached, the poor, bewildered Detroit Three have worn out several good pairs of trousers crawling on their knees to Congress - a group of sleazy dissemblers that make sex workers look noble by comparison - and still have nothing to show for their pains.
The latest auto bail-out proposal continues to flounder as southern Republican Senators keep insisting that the UAW workers voluntarily turn themselves into slave labor in order to remain 'competitive' with the foreign automakers who have installed themselves on southern U.S. soil - stealthily subsidized by unknowing southern U.S. taxpayers. Meanwhile, the Congress continues to lavishly fund military white elephants like the F-22 fighter (which nobody seems to want) because to cancel that would risk 'thousands of jobs'.
So let's recapitulate: Zillions to Wall Street - no conditions. Trillions for an airplane that no one's even sure we need - jobs saved. Is there a secret grudge against Detroit? Can you say hypocritical?
As an ex-Detroiter, I grew up surrounded by cars. Cool cars. With that in mind, I propose a solution to all autoland's problems. Ever hear of Legacy Acts in the music world? Well, they are singers and bands and groups who used to rule the record charts. Acts like The Who, The Rolling Stones and The Fugs are indulged by big music because, while they don't have blockbuster hits anymore, the sales of their back catalogues of recordings are steady and respectable, and their names on the company's roster of contracts helps the label maintain a certain legitimacy, while causing no real harm. SO, what if, as a sop to the reptilian sybarites that call themselves legislators, the auto companies announced, as a condition of a bailout deal, that they were going to suspend the creation of new vehicles and instead, return to making replicas of their greatest hits? I give you - The Legacy Line.
Just imagine, Ford dumps the homely Focus in favor of the 1964 Mustang. Chrysler announces the abandonment of the pointless Sebring to revive the spaced-out 1959 Imperial, then, General Motors checks in by scrapping the feckless Aveo to reproduce the peerless 1957 Chevy or the still radical-looking 1959 El Camino. (For you 12-year old 'know-it-alls' out there, go directly to Google Image before reading any further). Can you imagine the deafening applause from the general public? I mean, these are freakin' classics! Sure, Detroit can still make a few modern-looking pickup trucks (with gunracks) - some guys will never give up those testostero-rides. But the general public would take new pride in their home-grown products. Half of us would feel happy nostalgia and the other half would respond much like the public did when they first came out - 'I Gotta Have One!' Everything else on the road would look like leftover junk from the old East German GDR. I can't imagine one congressman who wouldn't support a plan of such brilliance. The Detroit Three could even promise to revive some old, personal Congressional favorites in order to secure support. Some Southern Senator probably has fond memories of a classic sedan where he received his first kickback. There's certainly a few Western Representatives who recall what car it was where they seduced their first intern. Their lead hearts would surely soften and they couldn't vote for the bailout fast enough!
An additional benefit would be that the automakers would be able to update the 'legacy' cars with the improvements in reliability and materials that have evolved since the original designs were manufactured. And with the Detroit Three up and running and turning out profitable popular classics again, their engineers would have the time and money to work behind the scenes to develop new electric, solar, wind, french fry fat or Diet-Coke-and-Mentos powered automobiles that would be ready for market by the time the public tired of the 'legacy' models. What true American would buy a featureless, worker-ant Honda when they could be seen cruising down the road in a brand-new, fully-finned faultless Ford Fairlane?
I offer this solution free of charge to the nation. I think the workers, the buying public and an envious world would applaud such a innovative response to these troubled times. Building and buying cars would be fun again. I'm sure the old blueprints still exist somewhere, it's just a matter of a bit of re-tooling. Bring some of the old geezers who built the originals out of retirement to help with the re-launch! India and Pakistan could have a nuclear exchange and it wouldn't knock the return of Detroit's greatest hits off the front pages! America is still the native land of the big idea, the big shot and the big scam and this way, the big three can get bigged up again.
Well, that problem's solved, so let me fill up the kettle and plug it in, because I can feel the welding sparks on my face, coming from the direction of the rust belt. If not on the assembly line, then somewhere in this auto-frenzied world, it's four o'clock, and time for some tea.