HELP IS IN THE LIMO

A STATEMENT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

In the wake of the fraud allegations in the matter of the Bernard Madoff investments scheme, I believe that it is the Federal Government's responsibility to step in and rescue those who have been hurt by this tragic situation. Therefore, this morning, I have signed an executive order to create a new government agency, called the Federal Ponzi - Scheme Assistance Program, or P-SAP.

This program will be funded by $500 billion in taxpayer dollars that can be used to compensate those who invested in Mr. Madoff's scheme and have found that they have lost enormous amounts of money, with no chance of recovery. As President, I feel it is my duty to protect the nation's billionaire investors from losses that would seriously affect their lavish lifestyles, put at risk their third and fourth homes, undermine their ungrateful children's huge trust funds and jeopardize their ability to hire the best divorce lawyers when they decide to trade up to a younger model. I would be derelict in my duty, as their President, to leave them with only 75 to 90% of their fortunes at this holiday time of the year. Defrauded investors will be able to draw from this fund immediately, with no restrictions, and restore their vast family finances to pre-Madoff levels, insuring that our nation's richest families will not have to endure additional hardships as they bravely face the coming economic difficulties. My government wants to guarantee that our nation will retain it's reserve of investors who's sound and reasoned judgement has made our country what it is today.

God Bless America, (signed) George W. Bush