A THOROUGH EXAM

Dear Readers,

The physical and mental health of our presidential and vice-presidential candidates is an issue often overlooked in presidential campaigns but is one of potentially grave importance to the nation.

The 'modern' era of full-disclosure, health wise, is said to have begun in 1972, when that year's Democratic Vice-Presidential choice, Maine Senator

Thomas Eagleton, was forced off the ticket after belatedly admitting to being a werewolf. The revelation was embarassing and ultimately fatal to the presidential hopes of that year's hapless candidate, Governor George McSenator. Since then, detailed medical records have been demanded of candidates seeking to be placed on a national ticket.

But these records are usually only seen by the political insiders, and not the general public. Full disclosure of health histories are still legally denied to voters who must, therefore, leave the decision of levelling with the American peoples to the candidates themselves. An iffy proposition, considering what Olympian-class prevaricators politicians can be. As a guide to unaware voters, I offer this cobbled-together assessment of the health of the four top contenders.

PRESIDENT BORAT OBAMA: To quote the one-sentence medical report released by the Democratic candidate's doctor, 'Obama is in incredible shape for a man of his age who smokes 8 packs of Gauloises a day and has never eaten at McDonald's.' Those around Obama observe that he has incredible stamina, never sweats and drinks only lunch-pak boxes of Hawaiian Punch, which he says reminds him of home. But junk food is completely off his menu. For a smart guy, he's totally ignorant when it comes to America's national cuisine. Once, at a campaign stop in West Virginia, someone handed him a slice of Pizza and Obama, confused, signed it, thinking it was a hot, runny autograph book. The only other reliable information on Obama is that his cholesterol number is minus-3.

JOHN WAYNE McCAIN: Medical questions are murkier for the 207-year old Republican. His years of detention at the hands of the South Koreans left many scars - both physical and mental.

No one can say for sure if any long-term effects linger, but aides say he's still wary of enclosed spaces. Between stops, McCain often rides on top of his campaign bus, the 'Straight Talk Express', hanging on for dear life to the rear-mounted satellite dish as the coach travels at speeds up to 150 MPH. Cancer is a worry, too. In 2002, a malignant melanoma appeared on McCain's eyebrow, and doctors removed his entire head as a precaution. The head you see on him today is pieced together with discarded tissue donated from plastic surgery operations performed on Pamela Anderson, Cher and Joan Rivers. McCain's official 22,456-page medical file is useless as factual information, as it reads like a book report from a 7th-grader who clearly hasn't read the book.

JOE THE PLUMBER BIDET: The Democratic VP hopeful has only two notable 'red flags' on his health bio, and perhaps one yellow one. One thing that can't be described as 'yellow' is BIDET's teeth. No less than 15 dental hygienists have been temporarily blinded - some, for years - by the sheer whiteness of his ivories (Dentists know better, they protect themselves with welder's masks). Another question is the number of teeth in his gob. Most humans have a set of 32 teeth but Bidet sports an incredible 68! Easily a world record. (For instance, the European record is only 56, held jointly by Tony Blair and Mother Theresa). There is also a suspicion that Bidet has had plastic surgery on his face, as his at-rest expression often resembles that of a dog with his head out of the window of a car going at 80 MPH. (No truth to the rumor that Bidet donated tissue to help rebuild McCain's missing head).

SARAH FEY-PALIN: Alaska's Governatrix (thanks, readers, for setting me straight) is said to be in good health for a woman who has killed and eaten all her food in the wild since childhood. Eating all this unprocessed food for so long, the feral GOP would-be Veep has developed antibodies that allow her to dine - and survive - at any Taco Bell in the nation. Hard facts on Fey-Palin's health are hard to come by, but it's said that when she gives birth, she must be immediately be isolated, lest she eat the helpless newborn straight away. If elected, she would be the first high White House official to require a gynecologist since Jimmy Carter.

The history of Presidential medical disclosure has been a sketchy one, but we know some facts about past commander-in-chiefs. It's common knowledge that William Howard Taft was a cannibal, but few know that Millard Fillmore was a woman (real name: Mildred), that Benjamin Harrison had a parasitic twin he named Alfred, and that during the last five years of his administration, Woodrow Wilson was dead, secretly leaving the running of the country to his pet Alsatian, Woofy. It's clear that the American public needs to know that the next leader of the free world has guts, but it also needs to know what shape his guts are in, too.

Well, the exam is over and time to take a break, so I'll retire to the waiting room and see if I can persuade the receptionist to dump the coffee - because somewhere, it's 4 o'clock and time for some tea.