A NON-FICTION BESTSELLER LIST

Dear Readers,

In an attempt to keep my readers abreast of all things commercial, I have decided to occasionally offer up a list of the nation's best-selling books so that the general public can be better informed of what kind of pulp sells these days. Once, our non-fiction lists were dominated by scholarly works penned by learned historians, hard-hitting indictments by social reformers and biographies of heroic and influential icons.
Nowadays, we're more likely to see books about some one's cat or tell-all diaries by ex-American Idol contestants flooding the lists, relegating serious non-fiction to the mercies of the wholesale discounters.
But, in a spirit of verity and full disclosure, I will go ahead and let you know, Dear Readers, of the trends in publishing and offer up capsule reviews of the titles that dominate the national eyeball.

1. THE NORTH KOREAN DIET - By Kim-Jong Ill (Dear Leader Press) - Words of wisdom and advice from The Dear Leader on how to lose weight on a national starvation diet, required of every North Korean in order to buy nuclear technology and stock the leader's liquor cabinet with Hennessey XO and Jack Daniels. Banned In North Korea. $29.95.

2. TUESDAYS WITH BERNICE - By Mitch Albumen (Treacle Press) Another maudlin memoir from the sickly-sweet author of Tuesdays With Morrie. In this volume, the nauseatingly coy Mitch decides to visit a prostitute. Sold in a plain wrapper. $49.95.

3. MY HAND IS STUCK TO MY FACE! - By John Updike (Upscale Publishers) Best-selling author of the American dream explains why he's always photographed in the same pose. $19.95.

4. RUNNING WITH A 18" MC CULLOCH CHAINSAW - By Austen Powertool (Prozac Press) Sequel to Running With Incisors, the author cashes in on his insanity by raising the stakes during the Boston Marathon. $24.95.

5. BAM! YOU'RE FIRED! - By Emeril Lowclasse (Bammed Books) Celebrity TV chef recounts the harrowing ordeal of losing his prime-time cooking show because network executives could no longer find studio audiences willing to bray like donkeys at the sound of the show's catchphrase. With recipes. $35.00.

6. IT'S NOT MY DAMN FAULT - By Alan Greenman (Golden Parachute) Former FED Chairman's memoirs explain how Wall Street makes its money. With spreadsheets. $99.95.

7. BOYS PANTS, HALF OFF - By Michael Jackson-Five (Partytime Books) The celebrity defendant shares tips on how to shop for bargains in children's clothing. Illustrated. $14.95.

8. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR PANTSUIT? - By Hillary Rodman Clinton (Unpaid Invoice) The former first lady describes her Presidential campaign and her efforts to co-ordinate her look with that of her husband, the 42nd President. With evidence. $25.00.

9. FLUFFY, THE DOG I RAN OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN - By Savage Michael (Savage Press) Radio talk-show host takes out his frustrations on neighbor's pet - then is redeemed. CD Included. $35.00

10. HOW DO I LOOK NOW? - By Jocelyn Wildenstein (Cut Rate Books) Billionaire plastic surgery freak eventually becomes to resemble a cat and solicits opinions from her employees. $1.95