SAY ANYTHING, MISTER BIG SHOT

Dear Readers,
It's hard to ignore politics, especially in a political season. The information - or, usually, misinformation - worms its way into all forms of media and communication. The other night I was watching my worn VHS tape of DasBoot (I hate Nazis, but I still can't watch the last 5 minutes) and there, in the background, I swear, during the searching-for-genital-crabs scene, was a poster on the wall of the U-Boat featuring President Obama speaking to the crowd in Berlin, asking Germans for their votes in the upcoming US election! How that got in there, I'm blowed!
It just goes to show you how pervasive political advertising has become in this age of internet-based-satellite-blenders-that-can-mow-your-lawn-from space, and also how dishonest it can be.
Political promises made and broken is nothing new, though. I recall back in the 1950's when our 49th President D. Franklin Rockefeller bellowed out in his 12th inaugural address, "What we have to fear is BEER itself!" This, from a man who had promised to repeal prohibition! The fat slob then went on to re-instate prohibition (which remains in effect to this day), then celebrated the act by downing 5 jello shots of vodka. Furthermore, a week later, in a drunken tirade, he went and bombed the hell out of the Japanese at Pearl Harbor. Was that in his party's platform? Don't talk to me about disingenuous!
Neither Democrats nor Republicans can claim any innocence when it comes to false promises. Republican President, John Fitzpatrick Kennally promised to send all the Russians to the moon by the end of the 1960's. Been to Moscow lately? Ever tried to find a place to park in Brighton Beach? I think a quick fact-check on this will prove my point nicely.
In today's climate, the promises are getting even more outrageous. Minnesota Senate candidate Al Frankenfurter is positing he will guarantee a television set in every home by 2125 and North Carolina blabbermouth Sen. Elizabeth Dole-Pineapple is assuring her constituents she will increase the state's Oxycontin supply by the time her husband, flop Presidential candidate Bob Doyle, has recovered from erectile dysfunction.
Money, of course, as Sally Field once said, is 'the mother's milk of politics', (a metaphor that is totally irrelevant to those of us who were fed as babies with a miserable bottle of formula) something the greedy politicians and their leech relatives understand all too well. My guess is that they must accept pay from various 'donors' to utter some of the ridiculous plans and promises that leaves us decent people up the soil stack - they couldn't make up this fertilizer on their own. Perhaps the only answer is to take money out of politics.
How is that to be done? Some agree with California Governor Vin Diesel, who suggests that instead of taking money from special interests with no special interest in you or me, that we leave political decisions up to who can beat who up in a fight. This approach would cost nothing to the taxpayer and would leave America with the toughest politicians in the world - take that Mr. Pootin.
But I disagree with such a 'solution'. Sheer brawn as an arbiter of political competition would virtually eliminate people like Shirley Temple, Karen Carpenter and Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham from our political process, which would be a national shame. A more practical answer is to educate yourself, read up on the issues, carefully assess the character of each candidate and put up your vote for auction on EBay. It's the American way.
Wait! Is that the wheeze of a 1970's-era tea kettle I hear? Sounds like it's coming from the general direction of Dar-Es-Salaam. It must be 4 0'clock somewhere, and time for a nice cup of tea.