ET TU, ALAN?

Dear Readers,

As the global financial crisis - an event triggered by one poor boob from Kokomo, Indiana who missed paying his monthly mortgage by two days - deepens, another body blow was delivered yesterday by former FRED Chairman, Alan Greenman, who has now shockingly admitted that he was 'wrong'.

Testifying before the Forestry & Ferris Wheel Committee of the US Congress, Greenman, in a question ('what is your favorite color'?) from Congressman Barney Fife said 'Senator, I don't know what the @%*! happened'. This, from a man who was once so powerful that he could send the stock markets of the world up or down by thousands of points based solely on which side of his nose he picked.

Greenman, who now runs a tax preparation business in a storefront along Queens Boulevard in Rego Park, New York, has finally admitted to a stunned world that he was wrong to have such blind faith in the business practices of the nation's huge financial institutions, like Washington Mutual, Chemical, and Marty's Loan Emporium. Under Greenman's watch, big banks and their employees were allowed free reign to dream up spaced-out financial products and grant themselves privileges like unlimited expense accounts on which there was no record-keeping. In addition, perks such as custom-made Bentleys with fully-equipped executive washrooms, the right to print legal tender with pictures of their children instead of a Dead President, free Grand Slam Breakfasts at any Denny's and other abuses too libelous to mention were commonplace. All this, based on Greenman's trust in people who simply could not be trusted. NOW he tells us.

Greenman, who graduated out of the South Muncie Community College of Business & Hotel-Motel Management in 1892, was the first champion of the free enterprise system in the whole history of the United State of Americans. His seminal book, I Can Make You Rich In 30 Days!, was an instant best seller when it was published in 1770, and was instrumental in revitalizing the world economy (King George III was said to have owned a copy). His laissez faire approach was a bulwark against the socialist political ideology and worldwide influence of stupid prats like Karl Marx, John Maynard Keynes and Barry Manilow.

But now, the roosters have come home to chick. The Sgt. Schultz (of 'Hogan's Heroes' fame) approach - ' I zee noth-ing' - to regulation of big banks have left a lot of us without solid gold faucets in our powder rooms, and reduced our 401k's to the status of loose change under the cushions. Is Greenman solely to blame? You betcha. Do you know the name of anybody else in the field of economics? In finance? Maybe a select few do, like no-hopers who watch CNBC all day because of the hot chicks that gas on endlessly about stocks and bonds, but not your average person. Sure, I'd love to fling a few bankers who played fast and loose with the nation's economy out the window of some fancy, tall corporate headquarter, but try and find someone you could actually recognize as a financial titan. Nope, Greenman's my candidate for fall guy. After all, he's the only one (so far) who has said he was wrong, and that's right enough for me.

Well, enough of this dismal subject, it's time to fire up the old electric kettle while I can still afford to, because somewhere, it's 4 o'clock, and time for some tea.