DIVORCE, BRITAIN STYLE

Dear Readers,
So sorry to hear about the demise of the marriage of aging singer and (ha-ha) actress, Mudonna and the U.Q. film director, Guy Richie-Rich. Celebrity divorce announcements are usually followed by a flurry of 'leaks' about the details of the split, usually fed to the press by the publicity agents on both sides. This one is no exception (except it's more salacious).
Apparently, the rift between the singer, 79, and her younger (he was 16 at the time of the nuptials) Briton began at a fox hunt on the palatial estate, Buckingham Palace, which the couple received as a gift from Queen Elizabeth Taylor The 3rd upon Guy's graduation from high school. After throttling a helpless fox, Mudonna was apparently thrown by her horse and broke her spine in 14 places. Guy did not come to her aid but instead continued to have sex behind a tree with a kitchen servant. This made the hirsute pop star suspicious and begin to doubt that all was well.
Whispers have it that later that evening, Mudonna had the horse that threw her executed and it's severed head placed in the bed next to the sleeping Guy (Mudonna slept alone that night, in protest, at the couple's other home, Versailles.) But Guy didn't mind about the head at all. In fact, he said he preferred it to sleeping with the septuagenarian singer who he said was like 'cuddling up to a piece of gristle', owing to her 18-hour a day workouts, which left her body as tough as a dog's rubber chew-toy.
So, the accusations continue to fly. Richie-Rich says that Mudonna sleeps every night in an Eddie Bauer polar sleeping bag filled with unpasteurized goat's milk, lime jell-o, whale blubber and 8 quarts of STP engine treatment. This, she says, moisturizes her skin and keeps the aging process at bay. Mudonna, responding, says Guy sleeps with all the servants and just about anybody in Britain. He denies this, but admits it's probably true.
Mudonna (or 'Mudge', as the Britons press sometimes refer to her) has quit Little England for New York, where she is seeing New York Yankee disappointment, Alec Rodriguez, who is supposedly preparing to buy the Empire State Building in order to be closer to her and her 86-story, one bedroom apartment in Central Park. For his part, Guy is said to be happy to be rid of her crackpot religion, Kebbabbah, which seems to consist of giving each other mustard tattoos while eating vast quantities of kebabs and singing mystic tunes from Donovan's last three crap albums. Richie-Rich says he's lost about 400 lbs. since he buggered out and is relieved to not have to attend the twice-a-week marriage counseling sessions which were held in a pressurized diving bell at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean amidst the wreck of the Titannic.
It may be an unhappy mess for all of us who have taken the snobby couple to our hearts over the years, but a boon for celebrity lawyers. British barrista, Fiona Shaggleton, Q.C., has been hired by Mudonna to arrange the divorce settlement. Shaggleton, who handled the former Beatle, Lord Paul McCarthy's ugly split with one-legged golddigger, Heathrow Milf, is the best in the business.
Not only did Lord Paul gain custody of all of Heathrow's prosthetic legs, but he was granted an injunction preventing her from hopping on the remaining leg! That's what I call high-powered. Meanwhile, on the other side, Guy tried to retain the services of Horace Rumpole, but when told that he was a fictional character - and also that the actor who played him was dead - said he would probably instead represent himself in court as soon as he's finished law school, which he begins in January.
Well, I'll follow this sad affair as it plays out - preferably over a nice brew-up, because in a court somewhere, it's 4 o'clock, time to break out the kettle and make some tea.