THE MYTH AMERICA PAGEANT

SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT HEALTH CARE REFORM

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1. All privately-held aspirin will be confiscated by the Federal Government. -

This is a lie. The proposed bill only confiscates generic aspirin - and only aspirin past it's sell-by date.

2. Surgeons will all have to 'clock out' at the end of their shifts - even if they're caught in the middle of an operation. - Wrong. A surgeon in the middle of an operation may apply for overtime - average wait expected to be about 48 hours for federal government approval.

3. All Dentists will be ordered to quit practicing dentistry, in order to bring the US healthcare program in line with the one in Britain, where there are no dentists. - Utter nonsense. US dentists won't have to quit practicing dentistry entirely, they will be allowed to convert to dog & cat dentistry.

4. Doctors will have to see three patients at a time - in the same examination room. Rubbish. They'll only have to see two patients at a time in the same examination room.

5. If you are in a serious vehicular accident, and need immediate medical attention, you can only been seen by your own doctor - during regular office hours. Patently untrue. In the House version of the bill, if your doctor is unavailable, any member of the doctor's family over the age of twelve can see you.

6. In an attempt to provide equal coverage for the sexes, all males will be forced to see a gynecologist three times a year. - Absurd. Only males of childbearing age will be required to do so.

7. Should you live long enough to qualify for Medicare, you will have to prove that you've won a gold medal in a track & field event in order to be covered. -

According to administration spokespersons, this clause has been compromised so that you only need to have won a bronze medal.

Source: The 2009 Book Of Don't-Confuse-Me-With-The-Facts.

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SO LONG, MR. VOICE OF GOD

Dear Readers,

It's been a terrible summer of celebrity deaths, as we've lost such luminaries as Michael Jackson, Ted Kennedy and DJ-AM, but maybe the saddest loss was the passing of longtime CBS anchorman and reporter, Walter Cronkite.

In a 24-7 age of nonstop news, the position of TV anchorman has been seriously diluted as almost anybody with a good set of teeth and reasonably stylish hair can find themselves delivering the day's events in-between Geico commercials. But back in the early days of TV, news was a ridiculously tiny part of the broadcast schedule, and only a handful of people were allowed national access to deliver the grim realities to a attentive public, and Walter Cronkite was the business.

One only need think back to 1963, and Cronkite's breaking of the news of President Kennedy's assassination. After delivering the awful news of the President's demise, Cronkite broke down in tears and cried and wailed like the winner of the Miss America pageant for a full half-hour, live on television, before regaining his composure. Eventually, he conducted the first, live, on-air interview with the accused killer Lee Harry Oswalt, then still on the run from the Dallas Police. In 1968, Cronkite went to Vietnam to cover the then-obscure war and, with the help of his film crew, wiped out an entire battalion of North Vietnamese regulars in the Pleiku valley before going on-air with his assessment that the U.S.of A could not win, only play for a tie. This news upset President Lyndon 'Brains' Johnson so much, he hung himself. Later that year, Cronkite personally negotiated a settlement to the war, but kept the news to himself for nearly five years - now that's journalistic professionalism.

Cronkite kept reporting the news, happy or sad (or not sure) for a further few years, this latter period highlighted by the Iranian Hostage Crisis. This startling event -which, happily for the CBS stalwart, ran on for 444 days - inspired him to create an exciting new sign-off ('Goodnight, and it's day___of captivity for our hostages in that stinkin', no-good city,Tehran') that helped him beat the chicken soup out of his competition at ABC and NBC in the ratings.

Sadly, Cronkite's news-anchoring days came to an end in 1981, as he lost his chair to Dan Rather in a memorable televised cage-wrestling event. The then 65-year old Cronkite was no match for the 22 year old Rather, who, before the bout, had spiked the veteran's coffee with a date-rape drug and then proceeded to beat him senseless with his bare fists. Rather eventually clanged Walter over the head with the very chair they were battling over, and was declared the winner. After the defeat, Cronkite resigned himself to a retirement fully devoted to spreading malicious rumors about Rather, most of which have stuck.

So, the so-called 'voice of god' is gone and his kind will never be seen or heard from again. His greatness belongs to an era only the very old and insane can dimly remember - one strong, unimpeachable, respected voice of authority, giving the people the news and being paid an enormous amount of money for it. In a newsworld of pygmies, Walter Cronkite was a normal-sized person.

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A NATION MOURNS IN CONFUSION

Dear Readers,

I note the passing of famous U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy. He was the Democratic Party's longtime liberal leader and last survivor of the generation of Kennedys that was seemingly born to rule, but destined for tragedy. His death came at the ripe old age of 77, but many are questioning whether or not it was from so-called 'natural causes'.

Just as his brothers, John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy fell victim to assassins, a budding group of conspiracy theorists are beginning to ask: Was Ted assassinated too?

Supposedly, the veteran Massachusetts Senator died peacefully at his home at Hyannis Port, surrounded by family. But on the internet, a steady buzz of Tweets and blog posts have begun to question that theory, and some have even seen evidence of a 'first' gunman. Even as I write, conspiracy theorists are pouring over film and videotape of the Senator's last public appearances for clues to the assassin's identity. Like the endless analyses of the famous film taken by Dallas businessman Abraham Zapruder of the JFK killing in 1963, some of the finest, self-trained-and-self-appointed assassination researchers have begun to dedicate the remainder of their lives to solving this latest mystery for the chance of uncovering the truth - and securing a publishing deal. One of the first critics of the 1964 Warren Commission Report on the death of President Kennedy, author Mark Lame, has announced he also will begin researching the evidence surrounding Ted Kennedy's death for links that must exist between this latest 'murder' and the CIA, FBI, The Mafia, The Cuban Government and Michael Jackson's doctor, and write an e-book about it. Lame, who penned the 1966 best-seller Rush To Judgement, detailing the conspiracy that resulted in that dark day in Dallas, will reportedly call his new tome on the plot to kill Ted, Rush To Fudgement, a possible reference to the newest cover-up and blurring of the facts. Unfortunately, Lame will have no 'Zapruder' film to work with, despite the presence in nearby Martha's Vineyard of filmmakers Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard, James Cameron and Martin Scorsezzie - all who say that they 'didn't have a camera on them' at the time of the Senator's demise ( Oliver Stone was reported to be 'elsewhere'). Hollywood, too, may soon feel the heat of conspiracy speculation.

Skeptics will doubt that even veteran assassination researchers will be able to solve this latest rebus any quicker than the other Kennedy crimes, but as long as the public maintains it's unquenchable thirst for rumor and dubious facts, there will be amateur sleuths only too willing to provide them in volumes.

Editor's note: As of this writing, they still haven't buried poor Michael Jackson yet. If it's of any interest, I'd be willing to bet that Senator Kennedy will beat the 'King Of Pop' (who died, like, two months ago -p-eww!) to his place under the sod.

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CHRISTMAS IN AUGUST

Dear Readers,

RUMOR has it that Bob Dylan, well-known American folksinger, is planning to release his first Christmas CD this coming holiday season.

Dylan, best known for his 1965 novelty hit, I Like The Rolling Stones, hasn't officially disclosed the yuletide numbers he plans to record, but a Tea With S.B. top- secret source has forwarded to us a partial list of the songs being considered for recording. They include:

Tangled Up In Blue Wrapping Paper

Snowy Day Women # 12 & # 35

Hey, Mr. Tangerine Man

Girl From The North Pole

All I Really Want To Do For Christmas

It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It Takes A New Train Set To Cry

Bob Dylan's 115th Present

From: A Buick 6, To: Aunt Sadie, Merry Christmas

Thanks For The Leopard-Skin Pillbox Hat

One More Cup Of Egg Nog

The band being assembled for the project is said to include Jack White, Ravi Shankar, Yahoo Serious, That one-armed drummer guy from Def Leppard, Yoko Ono and Conductor Zubin Mehta. The site of the recording is supposed to be secret, but we found that out too - Soldier Field, Chicago.

Oh, and by the way, Happy Birthday to our Nation's 36th President, Lyndon 'Brains' Johnson who would have been 101 years young today - had he not fallen over dead in 1973.

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