START THE YEAR WITH A WHEEZE

Dear Readers,
The response to last fall's guest columnist, Harry L. Geeseberger, has been enormous. So, we here at 'Tea With S.B.' have asked Harry to be a semi-regular columnist for 2009 (It's a one-year contract). We've given 'The Geeze' the 'Modern Lifestyle And Technology' portfolio, so you'll be reading Harry's reviews of new gadgetry and modern trends. Our staff couldn't think of anyone more qualified to take on the task of 'telling ourselves about ourselves'. Also, Harry has agreed to work for nothing.
So enjoy the new column, called "RICE PUDDING".

Hello all telegraph operators and ships at sea!

It's a pleasure to be back and I've been assigned to review the new video game, Grand Theft Auto IV, and I must tell you, it's a hum-dinger! I didn't actually buy the thing, but I was staying with my son, Melvin, and his wife, Judy, over the holidays, and they bought the game for their 5-year old grandson, Kyle. Kyle's parents are my grandson, Jason, and his girlfriend, (he calls her his 'partner'. What? Are they in business?) Crystal. They came over about 1 in the afternoon on Christmas. I answered the door and Crystal pushed past me without a word, talking on the phone and pushing a baby carriage with what looked like a baby that had just been born on the way over in it. Jason had Kyle under his arm in a headlock while Kyle was fiddling with what looked like a calculator, but was in fact, a hand-held computer game, something I found out later (too late, in fact, to review for this column). Jason came through the door and dumped Kyle on the carpet and said 'Hey, Gramps' and headed straight for the kitchen. I hardly recognized him, because he's shaved his head and got a new neck tattoo since I saw him last, about 2 years ago. Kyle ran past me and screamed 'where's the presents?', diving under the tree, nearly knocking it over. Jason came back into the livingroom holding a can of beer and reached under his shirt and pulled out a VHS tape and handed it to me. 'Surprise! Merry Christmas, Gramps', he said, while pulling the ring top off his beer, 'thought you'd like this'. It was a tape called "World War II's Greatest Explosions"(a tape I already have). It was unwrapped with the 99 cent price sticker still on it. I handed the professionally-wrapped, silver double-photo frame I bought for them to Crystal. "Thanks, Gramps", she said, idly tearing it open and giving me an air kiss, still on the phone with somebody. Taking the baby out of the buggy, she reached into a tote bag and drew out a disposable diaper and gave it to me. 'What's this?', I said. 'Duhhh, it's a Huggies, isn't it?, Merry Christmas'. I told her I didn't need it, but she said I eventually would and to save it for later. By then, Kyle had torn through his gifts and found Grand Theft Auto IV and had already set it up and was playing. What violence! Reminded me of Salerno in '44 - this is OK for a 5-year old? I told Crystal that Kyle shouldn't be playing a game like that but she told me to stuff my Huggie...somewhere. So I got out my new Checker Set that Judy had got me for Christmas and went over to Kyle and said ' let's play this instead'. 'What's that?', he said. So I set it up on the coffee table and showed him how to play. I went into the kitchen for a second to get a cup of java and came right back, but found Kyle had returned to Grand Theft Auto IV. I looked at the board and noticed there was a red checker missing, so I asked Kyle where it was. 'I fed it to my stupid sister', he yelled, without looking away from the screen, where a car had just blown up. Well, chaos ensued! You'd think the car that just blew up in Grand Theft Auto IV had just gone off in the livingroom. Everyone was shouting and wailing - Jason, especially, calling me several unprintable names. Crystal got off the phone and grabbed the baby and everyone - except me, Melvin and Kyle - rushed out the door, piled into Jason's SUV and headed for the hospital. 'Thanks, Dad', Melvin hissed at me as he bent down to quietly speak to Kyle about how wrong it was to feed a checker to a baby. Pretty soon, he and Kyle were happily playing Grand Theft Auto IV, ignoring me. So I decided to go for a walk and got on my hat, coat, scarf and gloves and stepped outside. It was only then I remembered I was in Florida and it was 78 degrees.

So, until next time, my friends, tell 'em kilroy was here!