PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING

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WHAT A TWIT

THE TWEETS OF TREY FUNSTON - Vol 1

RunningForCover Press

236pp $17.95

In our modern age, nothing is more interesting and important as the generation of authors who have found a vast new audience thanks to the social networking site, Twitter. Limited to 140 characters per post, millions of talented writers are carving out careers, constantly updating friends, family and a fascinated general public on their every thought and deed. Anxious to keep up with the cutting edge of technology, RunningForCover Press has taken the bold step of publishing -in book form, no less-  one of the most talented and prolific of the Twitter-ers, Trey Funston, and it looks as if the risk has paid off.

Funston, a systems analyst with a major company in New York, has entertained the public for months with his energetic and informative 'Tweets', and if this first volume of his work is any indication of his talent, we can look forward to many more months of utterings from the self-styled 'Bard Of Broadway'. Funston's maximum use of the 140-character limit is almost Proustian in it's attention to detail, and positively Joycean in it's playful and incisive use of language. There are simply too many fine examples to cite, but among them are such gems as "I'm running late for work, so I think I'll start running" and "I saw Rich, the guy from I.T. buying a newspaper this morning. What's up with that?" Funston not only tweets continuously about his own fascinating life, but comments on other Tweeters he follows in his spare time. After reading a tweet from the Today show's Matt Lauer, Funston tweets "Really interesting comment by Lauer, you should read it", and catching up with the postings of Rosie O'Donnell, he wittily tweets "That Rosie, you'll never guess what she said only 15 minutes ago, what a riot!"

Funston is so confident in his tweets that he uses no abbreviations, text shorthand or misspellings, and always uses proper punctuation - even when edging perilously close to the 140 character limit. As he says in his self-penned forward to the book, "I know the limits and I get the most out of them".  The publishers have given us a hint that they expect the book will be a best-seller by confidently sub-titling it 'Volume 1', so it's hoped that it won't be too long before we can get Volume 2 and continue to re-live the tweets of this budding genius.

Available in hardcover, softcover, Kindle and  CD (read by James Earl Jones).

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JUST LARKIN ABOUT

 THE TREES

The trees are coming into leaf

Like something almost being said;

The recent buds relax and spread,

Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again

And we grow old? No, they die too.

Their yearly trick of looking new

Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh

In fullgrown thickness every May.

Last year is dead, they seem to say,

Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

-Philip Larkin

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DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME

Dear Readers,

As per usual in a new Presidential administration, the first few weeks are marked by a flurry of activities, events, confrontations and (probably) the sobering realization that the President has one hell of a job on his(or her) hands. This is probably why new Presidents take off on a World tour as soon as they can get Air Force One fueled up.

The G20 summit gave President Obama his excuse to dig out the passport, and while it must be blessed relief from the intense politicking of Warshington, it also provides the first test of how the world sees our new leader - and by extension - us. I must say that I have been rather proud of the way the Obamas have shown the flag, especially Michelle Obama. 

Being the wife of a male politician must be one of the most thankless, difficult, non-official jobs ever conceived. Not only must you behave in a subservient way, you must - at all times- look smart and stylish. This role has been changing somewhat over the last few decades, but when you really get down to it, it remains basically the same as always. There are exceptions, of course. Eleanor Roosevelt, Jackie Kennedy and Hillary Clinton  all expanded the role in various ways, but just think back to Hillary's position during her husband's impeachment nonsense. You'd think women's lib had never happened.

 Mrs. Obama seems not only to accept the incongruity of a brilliant person like herself being relegated to an accessory of her husband, but she has impressed and excelled without being impolitic or incorrect. Sadly, looks and fashion overwhelm substance on the world stage, and how you appear can have an effect on how your words and actions are perceived, and how seriously they are taken. But both Obamas are aware of and equal to the challenge, and it showed this week as they carried out their public duties on behalf of us all. The wife of the French President, Carla Sarkozy, is a former model and entertainer, so she's expected to be the perfect adornment to her husband. (Being from Italy and residing in France, anything less would make her eligible for the death penalty.) As loathe as I am to make comparisons between political wives, I have to say Michelle not only held serve, she took the match as the couples met before the cameras. I know very little about fashion (a quick look at my sartorial efforts would confirm that) but there's just something about Mrs. Obama that makes her seem invincible, no matter what outfit she's seen in. When it comes to fashion, she really knows her onions. Resistance is useless.

In a video clip that, thanks to You Tube, has become the most analyzed motion picture since the Zapruder film (The JFK Assassination, for those of you who think history began on the first season of American Idol), Mrs. Obama, at a reception at Buckingham Palace where the First Couple met the Royals, is seen to put her arm around The Queen in a graceful, yet totally honest and human gesture of friendship. And to add to the shock of someone actually touching the Queen, the sovereign herself puts a tentative arm around Michelle's waist, only to drop it away, as Elizabeth II  must have suddenly remembered where she was and who she was. If nothing else, this must surely certify the personal charm and magnetism of Mrs. Obama, who surely knows the rules of protocol, but must be one of the most assured and poised public figures of our age, totally comfortable in her own skin. And it spoke well of The Queen, too, as even she must weary of the sycophantic toadys and their wives who curtsy and scrape in their hideous lampshade hats when presented at the palace. Michelle is guilty of no diplomatic faux pas, she merely - in one, small gesture- showed all that was great about America. I also got a real kick out of how tall the Obamas were in comparison to The Queen and Prince Philip. That picture, of the four of them standing together, pretty much said it all, yet everybody was smiling.

Though I've never been invited to the palace, I take no offence and continue to enjoy my English-made kettle, for somewhere, the clock approaches 4 o'clock, signalling that it's time to toast the Royal couple with a cuppa. Here's to you, HMQ!

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STAR TREK: HOW ARE WE DOING?

Dear Readers,

Nothing ages quite as badly as predictions of what's to come, but you have to give a lot of credit to the people who thought up the old TV series, Star Trek. Their version of life and technology in centuries to come stands up pretty well today as we approach the 40th anniversary of its cancellation by NBC.

When the series debuted in the fall of 1966, science fiction (at least on stage, screen and television) was in a transitional state. Audiences had tired of Hollywood's obsession with alien invasions, communist paranoias and atomic-era mutations gone wild (constantly destroying Tokyo) and was turning towards depicting a wider universe of exploration and encounters.

Into that cultural time slot slipped Star Trek, a series that tried to put a positive and even human face on hideous, nauseating, disgusting alien life forms. So, perhaps it's time for a critical look at this preview of life-to-be, as depicted by those creative hacks who dreamt up a galaxy of gear,garb and gizmos that took us away from our past - and forward, into the... err.. make-believe future.

THINGS STAR TREK GOT RIGHT (So Far)

1. Phasers - Yeah, I know that you're saying 'what?', but just think for a moment about the humble Taser. Small, hand-held and often lethal (have a look at your newspaper - if you still get one, that is), the Taser doesn't yet blast through rock and steel, but how many episodes of Star Trek to do you hear the phrase 'set phasers to stun'? A lot. It's only a matter of time until the Taser upgrades to phaser.

2. The Communication Device - Got a flip-top cell phone? Thank Star Trek. The version on the series still had little fiddly knobs on it, but it was small, could handle a number of tasks and had the voice-recognition feature ironed out (we're still a few months away from that). Also, I'm assuming that the crew of the USS Enterprise had a no-roaming charges plan, as I'd hate to think of what AT&T would charge for out-of-galaxy calls.

3. Wide Screen Flat TV - As far as I can tell, the Enterprise didn't have windows to look out of, so they had to rely on an all-purpose, wide-screen TV display on the Bridge. Not only could Captain Kirk see what was ahead of him, but he could also pick up incoming TV transmissions, ship-to-ship visual communications and warning videos from aliens as the Enterprise approached a planet they intended to start meddling with. Wide-screen, flat, hung on the wall, and probably Blue-Ray capable, it was Kirk's window on the Universe.

4. Blue Tooth Technology - Ever notice Uhuru's little communications device stuck in her ear? It had no wires and actually looked very stylish. So far, Lt. Uhuru is the only person who ever wore a blue tooth-type earpiece that didn't look like a real a**hole.

5. Lasik Eye Surgery - Ever see anyone on Star Trek wearing glasses?

THINGS STAR TREK GOT WRONG (So Far)

1. SPACECRAFT DESIGN - The USS Enterprise was aerodynamically impossible, but looked very sleek and stylish. Even by today's standards, it still looks futuristic, sort of like the Guggenheim Museum balanced on a guitar stand. So far, actual projects like the International Space Station are garbage by comparison. In spite of billions of dollars spent, the ISS still looks like it was designed by a 3rd-rate, Eastern European heating and cooling installation firm, s**t-faced on cheap vodka. Calling Frank Gehry!

2. THE TRANSPORTER - The phrase 'Beam Me Up, Scotty' is still largely metaphorical. Far from energizing, atomising and transporting matter, things in that department have slowed down considerably since the 1960's, as anybody who's been to an airport lately can attest to. Word is that Facebook is conducting practical experiments with matter-transport software for a projected dating service, but we don't even have the beta version available yet.

3. THREE DIMENSIONAL CHESS - The crew of The Enterprise didn't seem to have much in the way of recreational pastimes, but a multi-level version of the ancient game saw a lot of use. This version of Chess is pretty wide of the mark as far as forecasts of the future go, yet back in 1966, no sane person could have predicted a future of computer gaming being the main reason human beings exist. One would have liked to have seen Mr. Spock having a go at Grand Theft Auto XXXVI.

4. CLOTHES - Radical as the Enterprise uniform of skin-tight pants and long-sleeved t-shirts (for men) and the danskin-and-miniskirt outfits (for women) might have seemed then, fashion doesn't seem to headed in quite that direction yet. While the unencumbered, minimalist approach was useful for all weathers, atmospheres and situations that a crewperson might encounter on a five year mission, the lack of formality made it look like The Enterprise was having 'Casual Fridays' every day of the week.

5. RACE RELATIONS - Of the many things that Star Trek was notable for, the multi-racial makeup of the crew was one of the most farseeing and laudable aspects of the series. While all of mankind could not be reflected on the bridge of The Enterprise, it's odd that there was room for people from other planets, but not a trace of any 'middle-eastern' types. I'm not saying that Starfleet Command was into 'racial profiling', but surely we will have moved on from 9/11 by then.

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